


4x4

by tenmillionotters



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Human AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Imprisonment, M/M, Mania, Murder, Murder Mystery, Psychological Trauma, Supernatural Elements, referenced character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-02-16 17:11:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 32,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13058472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenmillionotters/pseuds/tenmillionotters
Summary: A long running and successful career comes to a sudden hold at the anniversary of the day that changed his life forever. Suppressed memories and the search for the truth lead a young artist back to an old mansion in the mountain, but what he finds only leaves him with more pressing questions.





	1. Arrival

_“His latest vernissage wasn’t successful either, not even his loyal fans showed up.”_

They talked as if he couldn’t hear them, but they knew very well that he heard every word they said, they knew how it stung.

_“It’s sad, but I suppose that happens then you’re too young and too successful, it just gets to your head, you know?”_

Did it really? 

Souta stared at the screen of his laptop, the clear surface reflected his worn out and tired appearance. His eyes were bloodshot, veins painted dark circles below his dropped lids. Nothing but insomnia got to his head these days. 

If he would continue to stare at his reflection it might burn into his mind. Then nothing would be left of the image he held onto so desperately, of the once acclaimed young photographer. So he finally shut his laptop, there was no reason why he should keep on looking at this pathetic shadow of a man.

Their voices were nothing more but a choir of mockery and pity in his head, what started out with his self doubt had now joined forces negative reviews and fakes smiles. It was a vicious melody that played only for him every day and every night.

Once this city had been his muse, he called it his one true love. The dirt, the sheer masses of faceless strangers that ran through the veins of the busy city, the noise, all of it he loved dearly. But now they were nothing to him anymore. Now that he was certain that there was no reason to stay, he placed the few work materials he had scattered on the table before him in his bag. He paid for his meal and grabbed his suitcase, it was time to leave. Once and for all. 

He couldn’t stand being in Tokyo anymore, not around these people who constantly judged him, there was no way he’d go back home either. There was no place in this town where he was welcome anymore, nobody was waiting for the failure of an artist to step over their threshold. 

His siblings suggest that he should travel through Europe, get a change of scenery and new feeling for who he is and what he really wants. They doubted him too…? 

Sometimes he wondered if it weren’t for the best if he would just vanish forever, stop being the family’s freeloading failure of a son. No, those were thoughts he didn’t want to have, at least his mother was still proud of him and who he was, all he needed was to find this confidence in himself again. 

But not here…

Tokyo had robbed him of his senses, blinded him with the beautiful lights of the city. He once embraced the night life and it’s pleasures, but in the end nothing filled the void in his being. 

_His art simply lacks emotion. It’s superficial. Like him._

No no no no, it wasn’t his fault, it was this goddamned city that had ruined him. So now he had to cleanse himself of all the dirt and rust it had stained him with. There was a better place for him and he knew exactly where to find it. 

He remembered the warm summer nights he spent on the countryside in his grandpa’s old mansion in the woods, the place where he discovered his till this day lasting undying love for art. Souta remembered the smooth wooden floors, the paper doors that lead through the complex building, the hidden rooms nobody was allowed to enter… the mansion was drenched and pregnant with a rich history, many lives were created and ended in this place. 

And that’s why it was the exact place had to go to revive his muse. 

The only issue was that getting there wouldn’t be as easy as it was when he was still a child. Going by train was the easiest option, but nobody would be there to pick him up. After his grandfather’s death, the house had been left in the hands the servants, but nobody wanted to live in it. They never had the heart to tell Souta why, maybe it was just because of a silly superstition. 

He knew that people from the mountainside were like that at times, his favourite maid always told him ghost stories during the humid summer nights when he couldn’t sleep, telling him to be wary of the things that lived in the shadows and cracks. She always said that especially old places like the mansion had a lot of dark secrets. 

No, no he shouldn’t think about it now that he was all alone in his car. They most likely got scared by the loneliness that slowly consumed everyone who spend too much time there, but that was exactly what he wanted. 

Nothing but silence and pressing loneliness could finally drown out the noise of the city that was still drilling in his ears. Every breath he would take would remove the smog and dust from his lungs and soul. He would finally be free. 

As the radio slowly started to play white noise, he was certain that he had almost reached his destination. The road that led up to the mountain was well maintained despite the servants haven grown older and more suspicious of the mansion. 

Why was everyone acting so weird lately…? But he couldn’t really exclude himself as Souta felt his chest tighten the closer he got to his late grandfather’s home, was it excitement or anxiety…? He could hardly put a finger on it. 

Once he pulled up in the driveway he felt the feeling ease, he inhaled the cool night air and smiled. So this was it, the beginning of his fresh start. He grabbed his suitcase and everything else he put in the trunk of the car. He walked towards the house, checking his pockets in panic. Did he bring the keys…? Oh right… these mansions worked differently, it had been years since he had last been here, so how was he supposed to remember it. 

His grandfather wanted to live in a traditional building, there was no front door in a Western sense, so he didn’t need any keys. Nobody but the servants ever came here anyway, so he didn’t need to worry about any unwanted visitors. 

A quick glance above his head also reassured him about the well functioning security system the old man had installed for some reason. After his wife died he got even more… careful. 

Souta opened the door and stepped in. He took a deep breath and inhaled the scent of polished wood and old paper. Everything was clean, the kitchen renovated, the servants had filled the fridge and pantry up to the brim. Did they expect Rize and Kishou to join Souta…? No, he told them it was only him, they probably didn’t want to come back here anytime soon. 

Sadly, they would have to. Not that he considered himself a glutton but he could eat a lot and he loved eating. It was one of the only things he found pleasurable lately, still his slender frame didn’t break.

His little sister always told him to be careful about his habits, his family was prone to obsessive behavioral patterns but he really couldn’t be bothered with that now. 

Oh right, he wanted to make something to eat, for now he would be okay with some rice and fried eggs, nothing too fancy. A small meal and a bath would be enough to end the day, he would start over again tomorrow, explore the mansion and the surrounding area. Find peace in himself and a new much needed muse. 

Cooking was more fun when he was alone, nobody looked over his shoulder and tried to tell him what to do. But maybe he should have used a little less salt and the rice was a little hard… 

While he ate his lonely dinner he let the bathtub fill with hot water, he couldn’t wait to sink into the warm water and just forget about everything that bothered him before. Now he was finally free… 

“Thanks for this mansion, grandpa…”, Souta stretched and let his body sink into the tub, “You really knew how to live, old man.” 

This was a rare luxury for him, for once he didn’t have to think about anything, he could just take his time to relax and do nothing. He lazily dunked his washcloth in the hot water and slapped it on his face. Goodbye world, at least for the next 20 minutes. 

How much time did pass…? He slowly pulled the warm washcloth off his face and looked around, for some reason he felt like someone was watching him but that would be a little absurd, “Minako…?” 

No reply. 

Even if she was here, she wouldn’t watch Souta take a bath… just the thought gave him shivers, he could never view her like that, “Don’t ruin our perfect relationship…” 

But somebody was watching him for sure, maybe they were prone to addiction and ocds but not paranoia. Maybe he should just visit her tomorrow and ask her if she was in the mansion the night before. Yes, yes he should do that.

Great, now the relaxed mood was ruined, but it was late anyway. Falling asleep in the tub was a bad idea, what if he’d fall asleep and drown. The images in his head were so vivid, his body slowly sinking deep into the water, the air slowly being pushed out of his body while his lungs filled with water. 

Where did that thought come from all the sudden? 

Souta held his aching head and tried to catch a breath. Yes, maybe his life wasn’t going where he wanted it to go, but that wasn’t reason enough to think about death. Now the mood was really ruined and slowly got out of the tub, maybe loneliness wasn’t the cure he needed but as of now he still wanted to believe it was.

A numb feeling ran through his body as he slowly got dressed, being in the bathroom made him nervous. He’d drain the tub tomorrow… not now. 

Almost lost he wandered through the sheer endless halls until he found the room he wanted to sleep in, the small bedroom he used to use together with his big brother when they came here. 

Chika was more of a father to him than a brother, the large age gap between them didn’t make it hard to think of him like that. His dear big brother that always made sure that his little siblings were okay. The big brother that always put them before himself. A small sob escaped him thinking about him, until today he had suppressed every memory of him. 

No, now wasn’t the time to think about him. There was no right time to think about him. He was a part of his life he never wanted to confront ever again. 

Getting his mind off was easy, he just needed to sleep. Souta carefully arranged his futon and picked his phone up. 5 missed calls. 

Should he call back? He sighed, Rize could be so persistent. Not that he was mad at her, but at times it got a little bothersome. Didn’t she trust him at all…? But he wouldn’t be able to sleep later tonight if he wouldn’t call her back, so he finally pressed the call button. 

_“Finally! Where are you?”_

“... does it matter…?”

 _“Souta… we’re worried about you -”_

Worried, huh… Worried about what? That he would do something he would regret later? He shouldn’t take his anger out on his younger sister, “Rize, I’m okay. I’m visiting Minako for a change of scenery, I’ll be home soon. Don’t worry about me.” 

_“Okay…”_

“Hey, don’t cry, I promise I’ll be back home soon. Tell Eto I said hi and please tell Kishou not to worry either, I’m just doing what was long overdue.”

So they did care after all, such a shame that he doubted them for a good second. But what should he do? Anxiety was eating him up and the only thing on his mind had been his own failure and that since months. 

Things had to change… yes… they had to… change…


	2. Reunion

Souta woke up in the late afternoon, it seemed like he was more exhausted than he initially expected to be. Negative emotions could wear a person out too, that was something he had to learn the hard way. Years ago he felt like nothing could stop him and now he was his own worst enemy. 

He sat up and stared at his hands, he didn’t want to do anything but he knew he had to. Waking up was a good start, followed by getting up and then seeing where things would go. Once he stood up and stretched his tired bones he felt like someone had placed even more pressure on him. What next…? There was no next, no schedule, nothing. 

No. There were things he had to do, if he wanted to or not. 

Leisure wasn‘t the reason for him to come to this place after all. The only reason was to reconnect with his lost muse and the spirit of this place. In his mind he was already making plans, but the distant noise of the phone ringing got the best of him. 

Who knew that he was here…? Except from the servants he couldn‘t name anyone, aside from his family that did. 

He wasn‘t the type of person that got spooked easily, but he had to admit that there was one thing that really did unnerve him and that thing was loss of control. 

Should he pick up? He wanted to be alone… Yet not knowing who it was that called almost drove him insane, so he finally made his way through one half of the mansion to the other to finally answer the phone. 

“... hello…?”

_“Souta! Ah I’m glad that you’re there…”_

_“Why shouldn’t I be?”_

A long pause followed, _“I thought you’re out in the city, would you like to come here for dinner? Ah, no it’s best you come here right away, I am sure you haven’t eaten anything again. You never get up to eat when you’re alone…”_

“Minako I -”, should he decline? It would be rude to leave her hanging now and feeling this odd lingering presence of nobody that was staring at him made him change his mind, “I’m on my way.” 

Wasn’t it embarrassing how he got scared of the place he wanted to go himself for so long now? But when he thought about it, since the incident they hadn’t returned to this place in years… and now he was alone, everyone else was back at home in Tokyo. 

Did he miss being around them already? 

He didn’t want to address it right now, there was no need to give them a pleasure they’d might never know of. Souta sighed and walked to the front door, now it was time to stop thinking.

The air here was cooler so he put on his warm jacket and shoes, he turned around one last time as if he was expecting to finally catch a glimpse of the thing that was watching him. 

All his eyes met was the empty hallway, so he finally left the house and carefully shut the door behind him. 

Walking down the path to the small village felt so cleansing, it felt like he left the pressure and anxiety that the mansion drove into his heart behind. All that was on his mind now was reconnecting with the people he hadn’t seen in ages. 

Minako had already been a servant of his family before his father was even born. Power structures and society were different back then, her family was poor and the only way to ensure her education and meals was to give her into the hands of the Washuu. 

When Souta learned of it he felt sorry for her, but more than that he started questioning the role his own family played in the lives of the people in this area. Were they grateful? Could they even be…? 

He knew that the Washuu had secrets, things not even he as a member of the family knew of. All he knew was that if any member of the old staff ever grew to hate the family he wouldn’t think ill of them for doing so. 

But Minako always reassured him she was grateful for everything the Washuu had done for the people in this mountain village. Being a long time member of the staff assured her a stable income and a secure work place, even now. 

Souta swallowed hard and tired to drown out the guilt that washed over him. Despite all these things that could be considered beneficial for her, there was no doubt that they also chained her to this village. 

Did she still live in the same old house…? 

Probably, since nothing ever changed in a place like this, it felt like time had stopped a long while ago and in Souta’s eyes it was the best thing that could happen to this village. 

Looking around, he thought to himself that despite the slowly declining infrastructure of the area the roads were still incredibly well maintained. So were the houses and gardens, a few people waved at him, though they had never seen his face ever before. 

He knew from Kishou that a few nurses had moved into the village to help the aging citizens out. There was even a small clinic now, but it could only treat minor injuries and colds. It seemed like the Washuu’s fortune could not drag everything out in the countryside, especially not something that would help the people here. 

“Souta!”, a small heavy set woman waved at him, smiling brightly. 

“Minako!”, he felt like a little boy again, feeling his body move on its own as he started running towards her. It was a nostalgic feeling, something he had missed for years without being able to name the desire. 

“There there…”, she laughed as she hugged the young man tightly, “You’ve grown since the last time that I saw you.” To her he was still the little boy that snuck into the kitchen to ask for a cookie before dinner. 

“Sorry for not coming back sooner…”, now that he thought about it, he didn’t even attend his grandpa’s funeral. Not even his father did, but why… 

“Don’t make a face like that,” Minako patted his head and led him inside, “You’re here to get your mind off, aren’t you?”

So she heard of it… 

“Souta, whatever the people in the city think is not the same as our opinion, we know the person behind the camera and we care about you.”

“Thank you,” maybe it really wasn’t the mansion he missed but the people who used to fill it with life and laughter, when he was little he always used to spend more time around the servants than his grandpa. Grandpa was always a little scary, but he could never really speak these thoughts out loud. 

“Take a seat, you must be hungry,” without waiting for his reply she started preparing a meal, after a while she put a kettle on the stove and waited for the water to boil.

“So… how has everyone been?” 

“... good, you know we missed you, Kishou called every now and then but when your grandfather died all of us were left with little to no work. It is easier to maintain the mansion now but we really don’t go there often anymore.”

“How comes…?”, was it because of these eerie rumors people loved to spread or the odd atmosphere that seemed to linger in the forgotten rooms these days?

“Because we’re old Souta. It’s hard to walk up the hill all the way to the mansion, when we were younger we didn’t mind but now it’s getting harder and harder just to take care of ourselves. The children are all grown up now and everyone moved to the city, sometimes we thought about it too, but we’re not made for a life like that.” 

“Hm…”, there was no reason to question their motivation any further, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be, I’m glad that you don’t understand our reasoning. You’re still young, try to enjoy your youth as much as you can,” Minako placed a cup in front of Souta and gently pinched his cheek, “You worry too much these days.”

The young man laughed and wrapped his hands around the warm cup, “I do.” There was no way he could deny it was true, “But… you said that you don’t really go to the mansion anymore, right?” 

“We don’t, why do you ask?” 

Should he really tell her what happened last night… maybe she had answers or she would just laugh it off, tell him he was seeing things because he was so tired, “I just thought that … last night I felt like someone was watching me and this morning I felt it again.” 

Uncomfortable silence spread and Minako slowly put the knife in her hand down, the water in the pot was already seeping through the crack between the pot and the lid, still she didn’t move an inch, “Something was watching you, you say…?”

Didn’t he speak of a person rather than a thing? Now he felt a little unsettled, “Y-Yes, do you know anything about… occurrences like this?” 

“You’re hungry right? You need to eat first,” she smiled but there was something in this smile that made a shiver run down Souta’s spine. Not that he felt threatened by her, but it felt like there was a truth she know about that she didn’t dare to unveil to him. 

It felt like his thoughts were stuck on the secrets she was keeping. Everything else she said, the small talk and the little jokes, the anecdotes, became a grey mess in his head. All he wanted to talk about were the things she could tell him about a possible reason for the feeling. Things that would give him clarity and peace of mind. 

“I hope you still like tonkatsu,” how carefully she set the table, just like she did when she was still a servant at the mansion. Why was she so distant all of the sudden…? 

“I do… it was Chika’s favourite dish…”, it was something like a ritual for them, coming here and then Chika always got his favourite dish first, nobody complained though. He always put the family first, himself second so that was the least they could do for him. 

“... I miss him too, Souta. Trust me, I do.” 

Ah, was he crying again? Not that he didn’t want to think about his older brother but it always made him recall memories he’d rather suppress, after all he was the reason why they didn’t visit this place for years. 

“Now eat up, it tastes the best when it’s hot.” 

Of course she was right, but the food tasted stale, the memories of his brother flooded his brain, made his head burst and his heart sink. There was a reason why he never talked about him, and now he was once more made painfully aware of the fact that some things were best of left buried somewhere deep in muddy soil. 

“Souta!”

The sudden exclamation of his name made him look up, his eyes met with a pair of familiar dark eyes. A wide smile formed on the old man’s face, every wrinkle seemingly moved but it didn’t make him look old, no, he looked so kind. 

“Uncle, it’s good to see you again,” he stood up and hugged Minako’s husband tightly, “How are you doing?” 

“It’s always the same as usual, nothing exciting ever happens here, but it’s good to see you again,” the chairs ached as they pulled them back and sat down, not only the residents had aged, but also the house and the furniture. 

They sat around the table and started talking about trivial things. There was no reason to talk about anything heavy in this moment, Souta could hardly recall the last time he had so much fun talking. 

Slowly the taste of the food returned, warmth spread through Souta’s body, slowly but steadily. All grey and muddy thoughts that had filled his mind were slowly vanishing, leaving him to be for good. 

But as the sun began to set, anxiety spread between the three of them, got so heavy it felt like a noose around their neck that would suffocate any given moment. One sentence would be enough to pull away the stool below their feet that kept them safe for the time of being. 

“I think I have to go back soon…”, it felt like the cold was creeping up on him again, piercing through his spine. He knew that he shouldn’t go back but rationality fought with anxiety until they suffocated each other. 

They exchanged worried looks, they saw the fear in his eyes, it was like a desperate plea, “Are you sure? Why don’t you stay the night, there is enough space for you in Hazuki’s old room -” 

“No no... I don’t want to burden you with more work, but… before I go I wanted to ask you something, Minako… what was it about the the thing you mentioned, that thing that’s watching me?”

Worried looks were exchanged again, they knew there was no chance to keep a secret from Souta. He was curious, he had always been like that and that curiosity could very well lead him down a path of no return. 

Still solemn silence fell between them as they wanted to give Souta the chance to change his mind. If he would change the topic now they would never bring it up again but he was as stubborn as he was curious. 

“It started shortly after your grandfather died, the house has always been an unpleasant place to be in… I will admit that. Your father and your grandmother eased the feeling, but once he moved out and she died… you know how your grandfather was,” she sighed and looked out of the window. 

Did she always speak so carefully? There was a melancholy and pain in her voice and words that had never been there before, “Since he died it feels like the aura he filled the house with got more pressing, like it wants every visitor to notice it.” 

What should he say to that? He had never been a person that believed in urban legends and ghost stories but he had experienced these things first hand, so who was he to doubt her words? “Do think that thing is grandpa…?”

There was no way she could face him now, her hands were cramped and her lips shaking as she tried to answer his question, “Whatever it is, you should be wary of it.”


	3. Nightfall

The warning was looming over his head like a dark shadow, _be wary of it_. Wary… but how? He wasn’t even sure what exactly it was, maybe they were right when they said that abandoned and dark places could be anxiety and paranoia inducing. So was it all just in his head? In everyone’s head then. 

He didn’t like walking uphill in the dark, the mansion was lying hidden behind bushes and branches, illuminated by the pale moonlight. It almost felt unreal to approach it. If life had ever felt like a dream it was nothing compared to this. 

Souta stopped in the driveway and stared at the mansion, it really wasn’t a welcoming place and now he felt like he should just pack his things and leave. That was just like him though, to leave once things didn’t go the way he wanted, wasn’t it funny? He was such a coward, such a disappointment to everyone… 

His head started spinning and he stumbled towards the building, something was off. It was wrong. No the only thing that was wrong in this place was he himself, he didn’t belong here. He didn’t belong anywhere. 

Every breath he took felt like dirt and water filled his lungs, his limbs felt heavy and his vision got blurry. What was happening to him? 

Did life get too heavy again? Yes, yes it was all too heavy, he was tired, sleepy. 

Should he sleep? Yes, lay to rest in the damp mud. 

A sudden flash of bright light made him snap out of his thoughts, the lamps they installed in the garden were sensitive to movements and it seemed that his aimless wandering around the property had set them off. 

Just in time or so it seemed… his feet were already wet as he stood knee deep in the koi pond his grandmother used to love so much. His eyes met those of his reflection in the muddy water, there was no sign of reaction until he realised what almost happened to him. 

Overcome with a sudden flood of emotions Souta started crying, he cried like a baby while he slowly crawled out of the pond and onto the porch, he cried and cried in the a place where nobody could hear nor comfort him. 

His legs were heavy and his body was shivering. It felt like his stomach was running in circles and his throat tried hard to keep the little food he ate inside his body. He needed to get into the mansion, he needed to find at least the illusion of security for the night. 

Everything that followed felt automatic, he took his wet clothes off and washed the dirty water and mud off his shaking body. When he dried his skin it felt like he needed to learn how to do it again. 

Souta stared in the mirror for a while without being able to see anything, still he stared at the blurry white sheet. After a while he slowly got dressed, though it took longer than needed. Everything felt so unreal that he wasn’t sure if it was even happening at all. 

The fabric that covered his freezing skin felt alien, but it slowly warmed him up. Walking back to the bedroom he left every light burning brightly, the dark wasn’t his friend tonight. 

What next..? Sleep. His body slowly sunk into his futon and shortly after he closed his eyes he fell asleep. 

Warm… it felt warm and safe, for the first time in hours.


	4. First touch

How many hours had passed before he woke up again? Was something watching him…? Or someone… but the feeling was different now, it wasn’t heavy or pressing it was softer. Maybe he was only trying to comfort himself by pretending that this time it wasn’t as bad as the first, but for some reason he wanted to be believe that whatever was watching him didn’t mean any harm.

After a while he opened his eyes and stared into the unfamiliar face of a man in his early 20s, who was bending over him. He had short black hair and catish eyes that were fixed on Souta, his light shirt was loosed up and exposed his chest and collarbone. 

“Hey there…”, Souta slowly sat up and the man backed away in shock, “Hey… don’t be scared…” This was a dream right? 

The alarm would have went off if someone would have entered the mansion by force, also it was in the middle of the night… so this must have been a dream. Yes… a dream. 

He was always alone and thought that it was the way he needed to be at all times, but then these dreams came back to haunt him. Not really haunt, but dreams in which he suddenly found himself with a partner for the night always made him feel lonely and broken in the morning. But today he couldn’t complain, it was exactly what he needed right now. 

_“Y-You can see me…?”_

“... of course I do?”, dream logic huh, “Seems like it was really too long since I last got off…” So after all that stress his body was relaxed enough to remember that. Great. Sounded just like him. 

Souta groaned and fell back onto his futon, after a while he rose his head and he glimpsed at the man that slowly came closer. 

_“What do you mean?”_

“There’s no way that someone like you just miraculously appears in my bedroom in the middle of the night, unless I am dreaming and very horny,” did he really have to explain the logic of his dreams to a product of his brain? 

_“A-Ah… I-I u-uhm…”_ , was he blushing? How odd… since when did dreams react like that? Once he felt Souta gently touching his face he blushed even more. He tried to find something his catish eyes could focus on but they always wandered back to Souta. 

“Go ahead,” he murmured, there was something like a burning longing slowly consuming him from the inside out. Something in his gaze told Souta that he was waiting for a kiss but he just didn’t move.

After awhile he finally did, he rested his hands on Souta’s chest and bend down. Even though he didn’t feel their lips touch, excitement spread through his body. Now that was new, _“Does it feel good…?”_

“Very much so,” he gently pushed the other’s short dark hair out of his face and pulled him closer as he sat down on Souta’s lap. For a brief moment they only gazed at each other, the faint blush on his face felt like it drove a dagger through his heart. Whatever it was that he felt right now was something completely new and unfamiliar to him. 

Their fingers intertwined as they kissed again, it was only a peck at first, then it slowly turned into something longer, deeper. Souta’s hands ran over his body, their tongues touching and teasing while his fingers dug into his buttocks. 

His head was spinning and Souta wanted more than just to kiss. Was it selfish of him? How could it be when he had never touched another person before? He didn’t know the difference between fucking and making love, all he knew was that he wanted to _feel_ him. 

He started grinding against his partner’s crotch well knowing that he would notice the bulge that had formed over the course of their makeout session. This was only a dream, it was his dream… why did he have to convince himself of it so violently…? 

Between kisses and soft panting he didn’t seem to notice how his body reacted to all of this. It took a while until he realised that he was also just as excited as Souta. _“Do you want… can we…”_ , by now he was covering his face in shame but the other only laughed. 

“You show up in my dream and ask me stuff like this?”, maybe it was bold just to undress him, but after all this was his dream and he was more than happy to finally experience something pleasant. He didn’t care that it wasn’t even real in first place. 

Everything happened so fast, it felt like jumping from one action to the other, but Souta could hardly recall a dream as vivid and thrilling as this one. Feeling the soft resistance of another person’s body while undressing them sent electric shocks through his body, he felt dizzy and warm. 

While he had undressed his partner, he was left fully clothed except for his shirt that was already lying in a lonely corner. He spread his legs and the other man sat down between them, his fingers slipped into the hem of Souta’s pants and he looked at him as if he was asking a question. 

“Go ahead.” 

He nodded shyly before he pulled Souta’s pants down and carefully wrapped his fingers around his erection. Careful strokes and hesitant first touches with the tip of his tongue made the other moan in surprise, what an odd feeling… he wanted more of it, so he slowly swallowed his cock. 

“Y-You’re pretty good at this -”, or he could be happy that he seemed to be incredibly messy, either way it felt amazing. The feeling drove him to the edge of patience and sanity, he didn’t know what was happening when his hips jerked up and he screamed in pure ecstasy. 

_“How do you feel…?”_ , he sat back on his lap, this time more confidently. There was something seductive in his movements, there was thrill in his eyes. But also vulnerability, insecurity. 

“...”, should he reply? His expression should be telling enough. Judging by the shy smile he got in return it was. He knew that the more pleasure he’d feel now, the bigger the void would be that was left in the morning.

What a disgusting feeling. Right now all he wanted was to forget about the next day, weeks, whatever was to come after this.

Souta felt his arms wrap around the body that he shouldn’t be able to hold at all, they kissed again, every time was deeper and more desperate than the first time. His fingers slipped into him with ease while he was shivering, suppressing screams and moans, “Don’t hold back… I want to hear you.” 

_“O-Okay…”_

Once he loosened up it was much easier for Souta to finger him, he was mesmerized by the beautiful expressions he made in response to his touches. Yes, this was a dream for sure, something like this just couldn’t be real. 

Souta felt his every movement and his chest tightened, he had spent years keeping his distance from others and only at night in a scenario his brain created during sleep he came somewhat close to another person but this was even more intense than anything he ever felt before. For an artist it was easy to lose oneself in a fantasy or an emotion, and while he held him so tightly, feeling their bodies connect in the most intimate way he couldn’t help but wish for this dream to never end. 

His cheeks were glowing but emitted no heat at all, his eyes were glistening but Souta’s hands were dry, still he was seeking to kiss the lips he couldn’t feel press against his own. They kissed while they held each other tighter, it felt almost desperate, neither wanted it to end so quickly. 

Why did he hold onto him so tightly…? If there was a response to it maybe crying would be appropriate, now they shared anything, a bed, a body, every little emotion and touch even though it felt like a thin layer of paper was still separating them. 

He kissed Souta harder, guided his hands and held him, every time he made an attempt to speak he bit his tongue and stood quiet, there was nothing he needed to say. Nothing he could say. Even though Souta whispered soft breaths against his skin it felt like it all was met with nothingness. 

A void that slowly spread through his entire being. 

One heavy thrust was enough to send Souta into a state of blank mind and shivering body, he felt his arms fall back onto his chest, almost as if this encounter never took place at all.


	5. Nightmare

Heavy scraping coming from every wall, the ceiling and even from below the floor woke Souta up a second time this night, he opened his eyes in horror only to find himself staring into countless disembodied eyes that defied the darkness that surrounded them. Despite the fact that they could not convey any emotion, the anger burning inside of them sent the young man into a state of primal fear. 

A single lipless mouth, belonging to a black figure that while not having eyes seemed to fixate Souta, started speaking in thousands of angry voices. Scraps of curses, cries and hissing filled the air. 

But there was one sentence that seemed to burn into his mind, drowning out the rest, _‘Give it back, it belongs to me, give it back’_. 

Give what back - ? 

Souta felt a tight grip of cold hands around his neck, tears filled eyes while he struggled to fight off something that wasn’t even there in first place. 

Would he die here? 

No, he couldn’t. This was just a dream a dream couldn’t kill him but then why did it hurt so much? Why didn’t it stop, he was scared. No this was more than fear, it was an older feeling.

Didn’t he feel something like this before…?

“C-Chi…”, slowly he lost conscience as a bright light made his surroundings fade into a blank white.


	6. 2nd

The morning came creeping in with bright sunshine, almost as if it was mocking Souta’s nightmare from last night. Not that the entire night was horrible… he felt himself growing flustered thinking about how real his first dream had felt, but was it worth it, considering what followed? 

He tried to shake the thoughts off, but not only that. A night like that had left its marks on his sheets and clothes, he needed to wash them before he could even think of using either again. 

Lost in thought he wandered down the hallway, he dumped his clothes and the sheets in the washing machine before he stepped in front of the mirror. 

“What the… fuck…”, it was a dream, it was only a dream - but if it was, then how would he explain the marks on his neck? Small veins below his skin had bursted upon, leaving bruises on his pale skin. A sudden horror overcame him as the trauma kicked in, he started shaking, slowly sinking to the ground. What happened last night? 

He stared at his hands in hope of finding traces of his own skin below them, maybe he had inflicted those wounds himself in a desperate attempt to wake himself up from a nightmare, but his nails were too short to create wounds like that. 

The tiles were cold, slowly drawing out all warmth of his body, leaving him in a state of numb confusion. 

Maybe he should just go back home, it felt like this place was slowly driving him to the edge of sanity and as much as he did not feel like living was his number one priority, he didn’t want to leave the decision when he would die to someone else. How pathetic he was… if Chika knew what became of his little brother he would surely be disappointed in him.

Where was he when he needed him the most… accident, sure… why was he so selfish just to leave them all by themselves… Souta slowly rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. 

Was his brother sick prior to the incident? There weren’t any warning signs nothing, he was a little quiet and brooding at times, always noting things in his small notebook he carried around at all times. But when something else caught his attention, when Souta only made the slightest noise, he looked up and smiled at him. 

In the 10 years that they had spent together Chika had never shown any negative emotion around his little brother, he was always cheerful at times melancholic but never angry. He never lashed out at his little siblings, even when they overstepped their boundaries. 

Souta slowly exhaled and closed his eyes. Did something happen that drove him to the edge? What was so heavy he couldn’t tell his own family about it? Trying to connect the pieces was more difficult than he expected, it made him question if he had even known the person he called his big brother in first place.

They had the same father, but different mothers. Chika’s mother died when he was only 4 years old, a couple of years later his father remarried, having three kids with his new wife. It never felt like Chika held a grudge against his stepmother and he did without a doubt love his siblings, but there was no sign of him being sincere. He never told anyone how he felt about this situation, looking back now Souta couldn’t help but think that his brother never really existed in first place. 

Of course he was there with them in the family photos, Souta overheard his siblings and father talking about him. There was no way he created an entire human being, an entire life, only in his head. Chika was a real person. Maybe that was the worst thing about it. 

While he still had his brother, Souta had always thought of him as some kind of non-human being, he idolised and idealised him to the point where he wasn’t allowed to be anything but his superhuman. There was no space for sadness, anger or disappointment, not in the eyes of his selfish little brother. 

So who knew… maybe he had been sick all this time but in his own mania, while he was only living inside of his perfectly crafted vision of a family, his older brother was suffering. 

Suffering in silence until one day he broke. 

Should he apologise? But to who? Dad? Rize? Kishou? They all missed him, didn’t they… to them Chika has most probably been a person, someone they loved regardless of his flaws. 

Silence. 

The inside of his head felt like it was filled with an electric and static construction of wires that made it hard to form any coherent string of thought. Everything was slowly slipping away, his will to live, his sanity, the feelings he had tried suppress for years. 

Souta slowly sat up once he noticed that he was shaking, he needed to pull himself together. He didn’t want to disappoint his family more than he already did and though he was sure he wouldn’t be able to see it, he didn’t want to put Rize through the same scenario she found herself in 14 years ago when she lost one of her older brothers suddenly. 

Maybe he would feel better after he ate something, it was almost worrisome how much power his stomach held over him, but while he cooked he at least got his mind off the things that were slowly destroying him. 

He lazily chewed on the slightly burned toast as tears streamed down his face, there was nothing in his life that he had done right. All this time he was convinced of the exact opposite but his castle of sand started to crumble and now he was standing in front of the ruins of a life he couldn’t build up from the ground. 

There were no pillars, nothing. 

After a while he wiped over his face, if Chika would have seen him like that he would have pinched his cheek before hugging him. It felt like he could hear his voice as clearly as if he was just standing right next to him, _‘It’s okay Sou-chan, you’ll feel better soon. Just keep your head up, okay? Do it for me.’_

Sou-chan… how he hated that name, he always puffed his cheeks and told him his name was Souta, not Sou-chan. Now he’d give anything to only hear Chika calling him by that name again, not just in his imagination but in person. Just one last time. 

“I’m getting sentimental again…”, he laughed and sniffled, at least one human trait was left in this empty shell of a body. But nostalgia might be something he needed now, if he couldn’t build his new life, his second chance, on the life he had carefully constructed then maybe he needed to revisit the reality everyone else around him experienced. 

This house was witness to his father growing up, the long loveless marriage of his grandparents, his oldest brother’s birth and death, as well as the childhood of the three remaining Washuu heirs. There had to be some clues about the reality of his life to this point in this house, 14 years of 24 were missing, but the first 10 would be enough for him to start with.


	7. Fragments

Feeling a little more at ease with himself and his decision, Souta started wandering through the house. 

Would photos help? Maybe they could trigger memories he had long forgotten but most of the pictures he found were the ones he had already seen years ago. 

Looking at them didn‘t have the desired effect, it felt like all this time the guilt he had felt was justified as everyone seemed to have lived in the same reality as Souta, a reality he had forced onto them. There were no triggers to fragments of lost memories, there were only carefully arranged family portraits that showed forced smiles on tired faces. 

Souta sighed and put the pictures back to where he found them, while doing so he noticed that one picture had fallen behind the other books in the shelf. He carefully pulled it out and blew off the dust that had collected on the surface after years and years it had spent behind the spines of books that were hardly ever moved.

On the back of the picture someone had carefully written down every name of the people who were present when the picture was taken. 

It was shot in the summer of 1950, he recognised his grandfather’s and great grandfather’s name. There must have been a third name but it looked like someone had carefully scratched the ink out of the paper to erase the identity of the third person. 

How odd, maybe their face was still recognisable. He turned the picture around only to find that the face of the person was also erased from existence, but while the name was removed with surgical accuracy the face had fallen victim to blind rage. 

All that was left was the slender build of a young man who stood next to Souta’s great grandfather, apparently the old man had been very fond of him as he was resting his hand on his shoulder instead of his own son’s. 

Looking at his grandfather he couldn’t say that he must have felt the same about the faceless stranger. There was an empty expression on his face, his eyes were hollow as if something had eaten away any feeling. 

“This isn’t really helping me…”, Souta sighed and put the picture in his pocket regardless, he came here to find himself and not to dig up old dirt. Could he even think of it as dirt? Maybe it was dirt. Mud. He’d have to dig deep through layers of dust and dirt to find a reason for why his perfect little world had to shatter. 

Did Chika’s diary hold the answers he wanted…? 

Souta sat down on the sofa and folded his hands before his mouth. They were handed all of his brother’s possessions he had held onto and there was no trace of his notebook nor his diaries, he also didn’t keep them in Tokyo. 

Despite not having stepped into his brother’s bedroom in the past 13 years he knew exactly that they weren’t there, but why not? 

Thinking about it… when did Chika even start to write diary entries? Not that it was something bad to do, maybe he wanted to preserve his memories for the children he’d have one day. The children he could never have now, all because of Souta… 

“It’s not my fault…”, he had to chant it like a mantra but for some reason he could never really believe himself. 

No. Right now wasn’t the time to drown in self pity again. If anything would hold the answer the wanted and needed right now, it would be Chika’s diaries. His brother who never vocalised his wants and needs surely needed to turn to someone or in this case something, so the next logical conclusion was - 

The sudden ringing of his phone brought him back to reality, unknown number, should he really pick up? Again, curiosity got the best of him and he picked up instantly. 

_“... pour some salt in front of your door tonight. Just to make sure.”_

“Excuse - …”, a soft beeping from the other line told him they had already hung up. What kind of joke was that? Talking about salt though, maybe he should eat something. The sun would set in a few hours and he really didn’t want to leave his room after dark. 

What a single nightmare could do to a person that had considered himself mostly sane and stable until he came here. Souta swallowed hard and sighed, it couldn’t be helped if he didn’t get enough sleep tonight he wouldn’t be able to look for Chika’s diaries in the morning. 

Walking to the kitchen he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was being watched again, but this time it felt like not just a single person but an uncountable number was watching him. It was a heavy and pressing feeling, something that could crush him until he’d die. 

Once he entered the kitchen he felt like he could finally breathe again. Ironically this was the part of the house his grandfather never entered. There were a few unwritten rules in the Washuu household, for example that nobody was allowed to enter his grandfather’s office and the kitchen was the place where he wasn’t allowed to go. 

It was his grandmother’s favourite place in the house, she always said that being in the kitchen gave her peace of mind. At times Souta stumbled over her when he tried to fetch a glass of water in the middle of the night, she’d tell him she must have fallen asleep over cooking again. Back then he didn’t question it, but as an adult he finally understood. 

It felt like he finally understood everything that was going on around him back then, but why did he still feel so guilty…? 

He should follow his late grandmother’s example and get his mind off while cooking. She was a wise woman and she knew what could make anyone feel better instantly.

Turned out she was right, here nobody could stop him from indulging in his love for sweet things as he decided to eat pancakes for dinner. Who knew if the thing from last night would come back to kill him this night, he as least wanted to die after he ate something sweet. 

How grim… maybe being alone only fuelled these thoughts but the marks on his neck and the paranoia made it hard to believe that it was only a dream. Why couldn’t the good part of the night be real - no. That might have been even worse. 

Souta leaned back and stared at the ceiling until it became a homogene void of colour and nothingness. He didn’t want anyone to be that close to him, there was no place for love in his life. People needed to earn the pleasure of being loved and he did nothing to deserve it. 

If anything he had thrown away that chance and privilege years ago. 

Great. Now he had even ruined something pleasant with his overthinking. He angrily threw the dishes in the sink and decided to take care of them tomorrow. Now he’d try to sleep, it were only minutes until sunset and he needed to get ready for bed as quickly as possible.

Even showering became hard when he couldn’t help but think of himself as helpless when he was in a state of total unawareness of his surroundings. 

Paranoia had been following him since he arrived here and now it got even more pressing. The feeling slowly ate away his sanity and he felt his stomach turn. 

The next thing he knew was how he watched the cold water drip down his wet hair as he bend over the toilet, his shaking hands desperately pressing against the cool tiles. So much to dinner. 

Souta quickly brushed his teeth, one time, two times, three times… he still felt unclean. 

If this trip would continue to pan out like this he would most probably lose it before it was over. Did Chika feel the same way when he came here? Then it wasn’t surprising that he did what he had done all these years ago. No. No he shouldn’t give into these thoughts so easily. Doing so only meant giving into the easiest solution he could find and that wasn’t how he wanted to remember his big brother. 

In case he wanted to remember him at all. Somehow it felt like that even this house didn’t want him to dig any deeper. Walking down the hallway to his room he felt like voices were piercing through his mind, encouraging him to finally leave the mansion, one or the other way. 

He sighed and hummed a melody that slowly turned into a song, he knew that no matter how loud he sang he could never drown out the voices in his head but it was soothing. 

“... pour a little salt we were never here…”, Souta stopped and turned his head in the direction of the kitchen, salt, didn’t the stranger on the telephone say he should pour salt on the doorstep? Of course he knew what kind of purpose it had and despite him not being particularly superstitious, he was grasping any straw that would ensure him to leave this place with at least something of his sanity left. 

Holding a small container of salt in his hand, he all of the sudden felt incredibly stupid. If his siblings could see him right now they would most probably send him to a doctor. Maybe they would even just brush it off and laugh at him, but he would surely do the same if he hadn’t seen the things that were hiding in the darkness of this mansion.

Oddly enough he felt way more safe and secure walking down the hallway holding the salt tightly in his hands, the voices were gone and he could calmly enter his room. Before he shut the door he drew a thick line of salt in front of the threshold, then he moved to the windowsill and did the same. For a moment he lingered in his spot and stared at the white powder. “Maybe I’m naive for putting all my faith in this… but keep me safe tonight,” a heavy sigh escaped him and he prepared his bed for the night. 

Before he lied down he took one last look outside, watching the sun set behind the mountains. Then he slumped down on his futon facing the ceiling, praying that whatever haunted him the night before wouldn’t be able to break through the barrier. 

A dreamless sleep was lying ahead, breathing was easy and he felt more relaxed than he ever did being in this house. 

But Souta could have sworn that he heard someone cry in front of his bedroom...


	8. A distant memory

The morning came late, which was very much welcome since it meant that he finally got a good night's sleep. No scratching or screaming woke him up during the night. Once he left the room he saw that his barrier was still intact, much to his surprise and pleasure. In the back of his head he might have been a little more superstitious than he would ever like to admit. 

Walking down the hallway to the bathroom he still felt at peace, it felt like all the turmoil of the past days was merely caused by stress. Checking himself in the mirror he noticed that the marks on his neck had faded rapidly. Maybe it was all just his body reacting badly to the pressure he had burdened himself with… 

Souta smiled halfheartedly and washed up quickly. No matter what he wanted to believe was true, it shouldn’t stop him from following his initial plan. … what was his initial plan again... ? He came here to find his muse again, that was what he told everyone but in reality… 

The phone rang again. This time he felt more calm as he walked there, maybe it was Minako or one of his siblings, “Hello?” 

“Please let me out -” 

“Excuse me?” 

“... please… I know you can hear me… please let me out…” 

Was this some kind of sick prank? But the voice was too young to belong to any of the residents of the village and they weren’t the kind of people to play these tricks on him, still there was no way that his call was legit. 

“I promise I won’t tell anyone, I just want to see my sister again -” 

Before Souta could ask the person who they were the call was cut off. It left him with an empty feeling, this person was either an incredibly good actor or this was legit. If so… then why did he call her and ask to be released? Souta was the only person in this house and if anything serious happened they could have just called the police.

“The more time I spend here the last sane I feel…”, he rubbed his temples trying to clam down again, maybe he should really just leave. Even if it was just for a few days. He probably got too worked up over his nightmares and paranoia, getting some peace of mind would give him a new perspective if things which was much needed. 

Still, before he could think of leaving he had to find Chika’s diaries. Where ever they might be… they weren’t in the living room. They weren’t in their bedroom…

Souta walked through the house lazily chewing on his quickly prepared meal. He always ate when he was stressed, so there wasn’t a single moment that he didn’t eat. But it still was one of his least worries. 

How did his brother think? No matter what kind of answer he would give himself, he knew it was a construction of his own fantasy. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. 

Chika wasn’t the person he made him out to be. 

… did he even write these diaries? Okay no, he was sure that was one thing he definitely couldn’t make up. They were real. 

Once he bit his finger he sighed and turned back to the kitchen. Going to the city also meant he could get himself more food which was another advantage of leaving this place. 

Should he eat more toast or something else, now that did get some rest he felt in the mood to actually cook something more wholesome. He remembered how his grandmother would sit over her cooking books for hours, making notes about how to improve certain recipes. 

She had a beautiful handwriting and a gentle smile, when he was younger he never understood why she always told him that cooking and the kids were the only things that brought her joy in life. He didn’t have kids to take care of, his art was as empty as himself so now only cooking and eating made him happy. 

Or did it…? At least it made him feel something. It made him feel alive, knowing his body was working to process the food he ingested. 

Standing in front of the small bookshelf his grandmother used to keep her books in, he carefully pulled one out. There was a particular meal he wanted to cook, it was something foreign, he forgot the name but he knew the method of preparation and ingredients… ah no this book was filled with traditional Japanese recipes. 

Grandma had a strict pattern she always followed with her cookbooks, each one of them was themed so she could easily find the recipe she was looking for again. The old lady could have easily outdone google when it came to finding recipes. A soft smile formed on his lips thinking about her, she was the one to give him love and warmth where his grandfather failed. 

But they only had 6 years they could spend together on this earth… 

Absentmindedly he pulled out the right book, it was a small notebook bound in red leather, he started looking for the right recipe. It was rice porridge with ginger and chicken that was seasoned with fish sauce and served with hard boiled eggs. The only note on the page said _Souta-chan’s favourite_ , he knew it because he often watched grandma prepare it and ask what the note meant, he loved it when she said his name so softly. 

His fingers carefully separated the dry yellowish paper, it seemed like he had picked up the wrong book again but a little beyond the middle, he finally found the page he was looking for. A bright smile formed on his lips as his mind once again drifted off to his grandmother, but then he noticed a small piece of paper that was stuck in spine of the book. 

_Check the bottom drawer_

The handwriting was unfamiliar, but it felt more like it was because the person did intentionally change it. It felt like the writer forced a knife into Souta’s chest, blood dripping down his mouth and onto the paper, staining it, making it unreadable. 

He slowly kneeled down, not wanting to believe his suspicion. There was no way that things would work out like this, what in the world was happening…?

His hands were shaking as he slowly pulled the wooden drawer closer in his direction, his eyes widening in disbelief.


	9. Departure

In all the places he could have looked for them, he didn’t expect the kitchen to be the one in which he would find the diaries he had been looking for. They were carefully wrapped into brown paper, initially nothing could have told him that they were Chika’s diaries but he knew his brother. There was no doubt that he was right about his suspicion. 

Feeling the ground beneath his legs rumble as if something was moving below it, he couldn’t help but panic again. He needed to leave, he needed to be as sane and stable as he could be to read his brother’s diaries. Chika had been a part of himself he denied for so long, now he was returning into his life with full force, leaving Souta in a position in which he had to confront himself with a guilt and pain that was too much to bear. 

… but there was no going back… he would never run away from anything ever again. That’s what he had sworn himself. 

Now was not the time to drown in self pity though, he grabbed the three bundles of books and ran towards his bedroom. 3 hours till sunset. Enough time to pack up and leave, his hands were shaking as he threw everything into his bag. He felt as if someone was watching him again, not a malicious entity but something… someone… who was scared of being alone. 

No, no he had to go. There was nothing in this house that needed his help, there was nobody in this house besides him. He was alone. Alone. Just as he wanted to be. He shut his eyes and ran past whatever was causing this pressing feeling of guilt, he had to leave it behind. 

Running through the halls blind to the things he wish he didn’t have to see, he fought his way out of the mansion, he felt like his body returned to the realm of the living once he stepped outside. His lungs filled with fresh air and the sunshine washed the guilt off his mind and body. 

Souta threw his bag on the backseat and started the engine. In less than an hour he’d be in the city. He needed to book a room, grab something to eat and then either sleep or just read the diaries. Regardless of what he would do, he knew it was going to be a long night ahead. 

Someone once told him that money didn’t open every door, but once he arrived safely in his hotel room he felt like it once again did. He could have just slept in a hostel and looked for another place to stay in the morning, but the paranoia just didn’t wear off. 

_Going to another place won’t erase your problems_

And what if those problems weren’t part of the reality that everyone else but him experienced? There was no way that something like these creatures could follow him to this place. 

His body slowly sank into the soft mattress below him and he sighed as he stared at the ceiling. If he would close his eyes now he would see his face again, even though it was only a dream it felt like a memory of something that really happened. 

Souta didn’t realise that he slowly lifted his hands as though he was to touch him once more, but the nothingness he reached out to made him snap out of his thoughts. Great… now he was even losing it outside of the mansion. 

Was he really this starved of affection and attention? Again, how could he crave something he never experienced it was ridiculous, but the void the night had left in his being was something he knew he could never fill ever again. 

Great. Now he was wasting time crying over something meaningless again. He didn’t come here to cry over spilled milk, so he got up, grabbed something to eat and the first stash of diaries.

Once he opened the first book the smell of old paper tickled in his nostrils, a smell he would have loved in any other occasion. Now it made him feel hollow again, it reminded him of the fact that his brother was long gone and never to return. 

As expected Chika wrote his heart out in the diaries, he started writing them when Kishou was born, everytime they visited their grandparents he wrote down his thoughts. He wrote that in Tokyo he was too busy with school, hobbies and friends to really sit down and think, here he was left alone with his thoughts. 

There was nothing he didn’t write about, how much he enjoyed grandma’s food, how he tried to find a way to keep Kishou from crying, that he went hiking in the woods with his stepmother. 

… and that he was scared of his grandfather. 

Unlike the other three Washuu kids he never spoke these thoughts out loud though, he never showed it openly. Maybe he didn’t want to admit that he was weak, not in front of someone who wouldn’t hesitate to use it against him. 

A big jump followed, years passed before he picked the books up again. Now his little sister was born, he said it was an odd feeling, where he felt that Kishou was fragile, as he was more timid, she made him aware of the temporality of the human life even more. Rize was born before the planned date, she was sicklish and small. 

_I want to protect them, always._

Tear stains almost made the sentence unreadable, but Souta knew exactly what it said, because Chika always made sure they knew how much he loved them. The following pages were filled with his musings about how amazing it was to watch Rize growing up healthy. He described in detail how she grew exceptionally fast as if she was trying to defy the obstacles that nearly ended her life before it began. 

_I don’t think I have ever seen anything more amazing and magical than watching children grow up right in front of me, I can’t wait to be a father myself one day._

Souta had to shut the book and put it away, then he stared at the blurry reflection the TV threw back at him. He did want to have a family, if Souta would have never been born maybe then Chika would have gotten the chance to lead a long and happy life. 

There was no doubt that he was more than happy to have Rize and Kishou by his side, his excitement sounded so pure, probably because he had been alone for such a long time. But why was there nothing about Souta? The years in which he was born and grew up till Rize’s birth were missing. 

He put the diaries aside and curled up into a fetal position, wasn’t his body exhausted of all the crying by now? 

Right now he wished that he didn’t reject all romantic advances people had made towards him, right now he longed for someone to hold him more than ever but he knew that as long as he felt guilty he would never allow himself to be loved by anyone.


	10. To be continued

Did he fall asleep - ? Souta sat up straight and looked down on his legs, he forgot to change but apparently he managed to cover himself with his blanket throughout the night. It was 10:58 AM. How long did he sleep… 

He rested his head on his knees, exhaling deeply. This night he didn’t dream, he slept well and deep. Still, it meant he didn’t have enough time to finish everything before sun- … ah right, he was somewhere else now. He was safe. 

Souta slipped off the bed and walked into the bathroom, the light was brighter and the interior was more modern. Still his mind needed time to adjust and realise this wasn’t his grandfather’s mansion. 

His body moved almost mechanically again as he was getting ready for a shower. This time he didn’t feel paranoid, he just felt hollow. He was scared of the truth he would uncover when he would read the diaries that documented the time of his birth and the feeling it left within the family. If they even existed. 

He didn’t unpack the remaining two stashes yet, but they were numbered. Chika wanted that who ever found to read about Kishou and Rize first, but why…? 

Once he felt his skin wrinkle in the hot water he sighed and finished his shower. He was wasting time again, he still needed to walk downtown to stock up his food supplies. 

If he’d continue to eat as much as he did now he would probably gain weight… but it seemed that all the stress burned the calories with ease. So no need to worry about that. 

Did the people here know who he was? Probably not. They were so far away from Tokyo that nobody would really spend their time getting invested in someone who only lived and breathed in that city. 

Walking down the street and being of next to no interest to other people made him feel at ease, nobody judged him here. Souta could finish his shopping trip in peace, he didn’t want to stay here longer than 3 more days anyway. 

He lazily chewed on peach candy he bought on the way back to his hotel, it was Kishou’s favourite candy, when they were kids his big brother used to feed him so many of these that he started to think of them as disgusting. But when they were apart he always ate them, back then he never understood it came from a place of love and care. In his defence a 4 year old could hardly understand the well meant intention behind those actions. 

A lot of things other people did for him in the span of 24 years most probably came from a place of love and affection, but as caught up as he was in his own head he didn’t realise any of it until now. Now that he metaphorically and most probably literally stood in the ruins of his life. 

Souta nodded at the receptionist before getting into the empty escalator. Most people were spending their time downtown, going to cafés or visiting a tourist attraction. That was what actual leisure was about and not what felt like him trying to solve a 14 year old mystery all by himself. 

He swallowed hard, of course things didn’t have to be this way, help was just one phone call away but all this time he had relied on others. Putting his own comfort even above their wellbeing was the one thing that got him into this situation. Where he had been selfish before he had to take care of his problems alone now. 

Being back in the hotel room felt like entering his own private sanctuary once more. It looked different in the warm light of day. The thin white curtains let enough light in to illuminate the white scenery before him. It didn’t feel sterile, it felt welcoming. Like freshly fallen snow, the new beginning he was longing for. A heavy contrast to the dark mansion he had spend so much time in. 

A few bags landed on the empty desk, another two on his bed. He didn’t want to move away from it unless he really had to. Souta grabbed the two final bundles of diaries and sat down. There would be no going back once he found out why he was supposed to read them after the first 3 diaries. 

With shaking hands he untied the thin ribbon that held the bundle with the number 2 on it together. The brown paper ached below Souta’s fingers as he ripped it apart. These books were older than the ones about Rize, the pages were more yellowish and their spines already broken. How many times were they reread…? 

Souta carefully picked one up and examined it for clues about its content but there were none, so he had to open it up and read it whether he liked it or not. The first date was set 2 months after Souta’s birth. So there were records of that time… 

_Looking at him feels odd. Where Kishou looks more like my stepmother, Souta looks exactly like me. Even papa said that he looks like me when I was still a baby. We’re both without a doubt my father’s sons._

It was something he had heard so many times, it used to make him proud, then it made him angry. Now it made him feel resentful towards his own appearance and self. Chika noted how proud their father was of little Souta, but more than that he himself loved his little brother. 

_I didn’t know how to react when he first looked at me, but he started laughing and smiling. My chest hurt and I felt like crying, I love both of my siblings, but it feels like this is something different. It’s like looking at a piece of yourself that is undoubtedly a part of you. When you’re looking at flowers you will see different variations of the same family, but sometimes you’ll see two of the same kind. Yes, it feels like this._

Grandpa didn’t seem to take much interest in the newest addition to the family, unlike his wife. 

_Grandma is crying since we brought Souta here, she’s not upset, she seems to be very happy. She won’t stop hugging the baby and Kishou. She patted my head… I’m not jealous of my little brothers._

He further mused about how crucial it was to meet his little brother, to finally find himself. 

_Papa always scolds me for being too mature, but now I have something to protect. Someone to protect. Souta started crying when they took him in their room to sleep, it seemed like he wanted to stay by my side. Mama is feeding him right now, I’m using the time to write this. He always sleeps on my chest, he’s so small and it feels like he gets scared in the night. I want to keep him safe, from whatever frightens him._

Mama used to tease him about being attached to Chika, but he never knew that she was right. No, he didn’t want to admit to himself that she was right. Of course nobody knew of the things that moved him deep inside, the guilt and the shame he felt for forcing his brother into a situation where he had to be perfect at all times. He wasn’t the spitting image of Chika, he was merely the person he never allowed his older brother to be. 

There were 3 more small notebooks he had to read before he got to the last bundle, all he found were testaments of Chika’s fascination watching Souta grow up. Saying it felt like watching another self grow up to be person right next to him. 

What he could have called useless only months before, gave him an odd sense of calmness. Chika didn’t hate him. It felt like he was reassuring him that he understood Souta, he understood that he was only a child without any bad intentions. 

But the books only documented 7 years of their time together, the last and biggest bundle of diaries was witness to the last 3 years of Chika’s life… and most probably the reason for his suicide.


	11. The remains of a life

It was already close to midnight, but Souta didn’t feel like sleeping at all. He was wide awake. Now there was no turning back for him anymore. Whatever he was about to read, it would either confirm his suspicions or uncover an even more horrifying truth. Either way, he had to face the consequences of his curiosity and decide what to do next. 

Souta unpacked the last books, it were 3 heavy notebooks. One for each year that was left in Chika’s life. With shaking hands he opened the first one. 

_Souta started drawing on my homework. I had to redo most of it, but it’s not a problem. I actually like the new version of the essay better, but I still gave him a plank stash of paper and pencils. It would be tedious to always do my homework again because my little brother drew on it._

Was he angry? Hopefully so… but he didn’t yell at Souta, which made it a little worse. He remembered it, he was so proud showing Chika his artwork. There was a look of shock and bewilderment on his face, but he also smiled at Souta, telling him he did amazing. 

The following pages were cutouts of Souta’s first attempts to draw, Chika left notes about how he would show them to his little brother once he was a famous artist to humble him a bit, reminding him of his roots. 

_He found a liking to drawing portraits, he already drew the entire family… except for grandpa but I can’t blame him. Souta found out that you can also draw people based of photos, he did it with photos of grandma  
from the time she was younger, now he’s looking for other photos he can use as reference._

What followed were again his first attempts to drawing portraits of his family, not bad for a little kid… but he couldn’t really make out anyone’s face. There were no notes about who he had drawn, it were countless faced staring back at Souta before he found another page with his brother’s handwriting. 

_Souta found an old picture, somewhere in the books our great grandfather used to work with. I’m glad he can’t read yet, criminal psychology is nothing a young child should bother with. The picture seems to be pretty old. If it weren’t for the names on the back I wouldn’t even have recognised them. Neither of us has ever met him, but from what I heard he was different than our grandpa._

_Well, it is not hard to spot him in the picture, he looks so angry and miserable. As usual. But the other man is what confuses me… Souta pointed at him, he said he looks like a prince. I wish I could have shown him a more positive reaction but something about it gave me a bad feeling. All I could do was pat his head and tell him that he did indeed find a picture of a prince and that’s why he had to hide it well. Especially from the demon._

Demon…? Ah… yes it was the name they gave their grandfather when they were talking about him alone. But what photo was he talking about…? It couldn’t be that he meant the one with the scratched off face. Souta had no memory of ever seeing it before. 

_He kept on drawing the man, what was his name… Ma… Ma… I can’t remember it. I’m getting nervous to be honest. Grandpa has never shown interest in Souta’s art at all, but lately he keeps staring at his art with an expression I can’t and don’t want to understand._

The more he read the more he just wanted to stop, he knew that there must have been a reason why he could barely remember anything Chika was writing. He didn’t start drawing with 6, he started with 8. When he was honest he could barely remember anything from before the time his grandma died. It was shortly before his seventh birthday that she passed away, only afterwards the memories got clearer again. 

_I don’t know what happened exactly, I only know that Souta was screaming, he was crying. It was a horrifying scream. I don’t think it’s something you can or will ever forget. Mama and papa went to the city with Kishou and Rize, Souta stood here with our grandparents and me._

_Minako was supposed to look after Souta while I was studying for Uni._

_When I heard him scream I immediately jumped up and ran to find the source of the noise. I don’t know what … if I would have just kept him by my side. Minako was sitting on the floor, not making a sound or saying a word, she was just quiet while grandpa burned Souta’s drawings and pencils in the fireplace without even batting an eye._

_I found Souta in the kitchen, his little face was puffy and swollen, his eyes red from crying. Grandma was holding him, she calmed him down but her look was pleading, she didn’t want me to say anything but I felt an anger burning inside of me… I never thought about killing someone, but in this moment I wouldn’t have minded beating in the old demon’s head with a heavy object._

_Later that night, long after mama and papa had returned with the other two, Souta still didn’t want to leave grandma’s side, he even tried to kick mama… so they let him stay with her. When he was fast asleep she told me what happened._

Souta breathed heavily and touched his face, the memory of what happened had been buried deep inside of his head, for such a long that he actually did forget what happened at all. 

_The better Souta’s art skills developed, the more recognisable the faces of the people on his art got. It seemed like grandpa realised who Souta was drawing all this time and when he found the picture, he used Souta’s sketches to beat him up with them. She said he could have hurt him anywhere but the face… but he wanted to humiliate him. A six year old boy. He is only a child, how could he have known that it was wrong?_

_… the picture is gone now, I don’t know if he burned it or not. Either way I am glad it doesn’t exist anymore. I won’t let him touch Souta again. I took him with me into my room, I don’t want to put any blame on grandma but I feel like he’s safer with me._

That was the first and only time that anyone ever hit Souta, maybe that’s why he couldn’t remember it. He suppressed every memory of it, until now. Now everything crashed down on him like a tidal wave. How grandma held him tightly in her arms, sobbing and apologizing, how he screamed and cried in shock and pain, how Chika didn’t let him go and told their parents they needed to leave as soon as possible. 

And then they didn’t return for months. They only came back for grandmother’s funeral. He remembered squeezing Chika’s hand while he cried, it was his fault that grandma had to die alone, if he wouldn’t have been bad she wouldn’t have been alone. 

_It’s not your fault Souta, you know she would never blame you for any of this._ , that’s what he said but the rain crashing down on the gravestones made it hard to understand a single word he was saying.


	12. In a moonless night

The diaries picked up where his memories did too for the past years. Still he couldn’t keep on reading, he needed a break. He hadn’t eaten anything in hours. Souta grabbed the bags he had thrown onto the bed and walked outside on the balcony, he inhaled the cold night air and sat down. 

He quietly unpacked a few custard buns and started eating. They were sweet, the warmth of the vanilla left a pleasant feeling in his mouth. The milk tea was still cool, it was a good distraction just to focus on the different flavours blending into each other instead of thinking about the things that he was about to learn. 

Maybe it would be for the best just to stop here and go to sleep instead of staying up and reading, but there was no chance that he’d sleep until he would finally get closure. Before he went back inside he took a look at the sky, there were no stars, no moon, only a empty darkness. 

Souta sat back on the bed and picked up the second diary. 

_He started drawing again. His art is… horrifying. The figures don’t have faced, infections are growing out of dissected bodies. I asked him why he does things like that and he told me because he is not allowed to draw beautiful things anymore. I asked him to draw flowers for me, because I like them very much. He did it._

His mouth felt dry, the only pictures Chika had kept were those of the flowers. It seemed like he didn’t want either of them to remember the pain they had felt. If it was him who placed the diaries in a place Souta would surely find one day, then he had still made sure that it was only was much as he had to know and much as he could bear to know. 

_Souta never asked where the photo went, it’s like he’s gradually forgetting about the incident and while I initially thought it’s for the best it makes me feel horrible now. He seems a lot more scared and nervous when he’s here, he cries in his sleep a lot. I hope he’ll be okay._

So Chika was really worried about him this whole time…? He wasn’t angry? If he would stop reading now he could live on accepting it as his truth, but he already flipped the page. 

_His name was Marude. Marude Itsuki. I don’t know why I remembered it all of the sudden but it just hit me. I’ve been wondering who this person was for so long and now I just randomly remembered his name. I won’t tell Souta or anyone else about this… I’ll just do my research._

And what followed were handwritten notes that didn’t make any sense for Souta. It seemed like Chika had given everyone a different name? He drew timelines and analysed newspaper articles without putting them into his notebooks. 

The only thing that made sense to Souta was the repeated **murder** that could be found throughout most pages of the next notebook. It was only half filled, once the notes were finished Chika seemed to have written his last ever diary entry. 

_I’ll call the police in the afternoon. Then I’ll grab the kids and dad and I’ll leave this goddamn place behind for ever. I’ll protect my family from this monster._

“He didn’t kill himself…”, Souta felt tears stream down his face as a heavy was lifted off his chest, he fell into the mattress while he sobbed like a child. 

All these time, all these years he thought he was at fault for something that never happened. His brother never hated him, he had loved and protected them till the very end. 

But his relief didn’t last long. Where his suspicions were busted, a new thought grew. If he didn’t commit suicide and he was close to solving a over a decade old mystery… who was at fault for his brother’s death?


	13. Access denied

He slept well in the following few hours in the morning, sleep didn’t feel like a waste of time now. No. It was recovering the energy he needed desperately now. When he woke up he felt as if something inside him had changed, he didn’t feel like he was dreading things, he wanted everything to change. 

It was the first time he left his room to eat something else than snacks and cup noodles. Anything that would keep him going for a few hours to his next meal was welcome. 

What should he do next…? He should try to buy a notebook and brainstorm all the information he had right now. Then he should go to the library and research further into the topic of missing people. There must be information about this Marude, especially if he was the one to kick off the events. 

… maybe he was the killer Chika was talking about…? If so, he might be still alive. 

Lost in thought he almost ran into another hotel guest on his way to the dinning hall. He needed to focus on other things now, even if he didn’t want to. 

Souta had to take his time eating, but all he wanted was to get up, leave the hotel and get things done. What an odd feeling it was, actually trying to get things to move instead of standing still. 

After he finished his hasty breakfast Souta returned to his room to pack the diaries into his bag, alongside his phone and wallet. He probably wouldn’t come back here until late afternoon or even nightfall, but the more he’d get done the better he’d sleep tonight. 

It felt like the world had suddenly changed, being hit with the full force of the energy he lacked in the past made him feel like he really could find the answers he wanted. On his way out of the hotel, he looked at his reflection in the lobby’s great mirror. There was doubt about it, he was a different person now.

Light footed he stepped outside and ran down the few stairs onto the Main Street.

The city didn’t change much over the past 14 years, everything was still in the places he knew. With a few additions here and there but he was still glad he didn’t need to run a marathon to find what he needed. 

A small corner store that was still run by a local family had everything he required for his research. Two notebooks, a set of pens and highlighters, as well as pain killers should do the job. He rushed to the old library he used to visit with his father. Hopefully they had computers now, but with the amount of tourists and University students that visited it, they surely did. 

Souta nervously fumbled his old library card out of his wallet, he never had the heart to throw it away. Who would have thought it would come in handy now? The librarian smiled at him and directed him towards the section with the computers. 

To his surprise and luck the library was rather empty, most people were at work or at school at this time of day. Only a few foreigners and University students sat around the tables and read quietly. 

He took a seat on one of the free computers and opened an internet browser. For a while he quietly stared at the screen, what should he search for in first place…? 

**Marude Itsuki**

The results weren’t really what he expected. The names didn’t really show up in combination, rather in various other combinations and contexts. 

Okay. Maybe he should start from the beginning. Souta opened one of the notebooks and wrote down what he knew. 

There was an old photograph with the name and face scraped off, apparently the missing person was Marude Itsuki. He was an acquaintance of his great grandfather and grandfather. Right now he was also a murder suspect. 

There must have been a reason for his grandfather reacting so strongly and negatively about this man… but what could it be? 

It would be best to start with the place they most probably met at, all Souta knew about his great grandfather was that he was a University professor for criminal psychology at Keidai. 

Did the University have information about Marude,by any chance? It was just one search away. 

Odd… he wasn’t listed as someone who graduated but if he knew Souta’s great grandfather well enough to pose in a picture with him they must have been somewhat close. 

How ironic, a future murderer sitting in the class of a man who devoted his life to justice. No. No he shouldn’t make quick judgments. He almost ruined his life once my being too quick with jumping to conclusions. 

Did Keidai have yearbooks…? Maybe a list of enrolments. But he wasn’t part of the administration so he would hardly be able to get information like that unless… his great grandfather must have written everything down! 

His books and notes were still in the mansion and not even grandpa dared to touch them, so they must all be intact. 

_Check great grandpa’s notes for information about Marude Itsuki_

What if he’d google his name in combination with Keio University? Maybe he wrote term papers that were published over the years. 

**1 of 30 search results**

If he would have been alone he would have most probably cursed out loud, all he could do right now was shake his head in utter disbelief. 

**Keio student missing for 3rd continues week**

Souta’s heart was racing, what in the world was going on? Did he kidnap a fellow student? Maybe that’s why he wasn’t among the graduates. 

_The search for the 19 year old University student Marude Itsuki has left little to no hope in the local volunteers and authorities after they were still unable to gather any information about his current whereabouts._

_A new police statement did confirm the possibility of a crime having taken place as well as the possible demise of the victim._

_His family and friends have spoken to reporters, begging the public to not stop searching for their missing son and friend._

… he was the missing person…? Did they ever find him..? All the news reports dated back more than 50 years ago, but neither mentioned anything about him returning home neither did they include pictures of him. 

One last search might do. 

**missing person databank Marude Itsuki**

There was official list of missing people dating back to the early 1990s that family of victims ran in cooperation with the police in order to gather information. He scrolled past the faces of children, adults and elderly people. For some reason google hadn’t redirected him to Marude’s page, so he had to manually look for his name in the sheer endless mass of missing people. 

After 20 minutes of searching he found it, relieved he clicked on the name, anticipating how the unlucky stranger looked like. 

**Access denied**


	14. Pause

“...”, what was there left to do? He felt dizzy and confused. Hours had passed and it was time for him to go back to the hotel as long as the cook was still around. Otherwise he wouldn’t get his dinner and that meant he would mean he’d have another setback into his unhealthy lifestyle. It seemed like the odds weren’t in his favour anymore, where he had taken one step forward he fell 3 behind. 

He didn’t want to drive back to mansion just yet, but he was desperate for answers. Anything really. But who could he talk to? There was a high chance that most of the policemen who worked on the Marude case were retired or dead. Souta wasn’t the one to lie to people and say he was working on this case, unlike his brother he wasn’t a policeman and he wasn’t a journalist either. 

Still, he could try to get more information about Chika’s case… he was only 10 back then, so he wasn’t really involved in anything. He wasn’t even interviewed, not was the allowed to look at his brother one last time. The police and his parents kept him from asking any questions, they said it would be for the best if he’d remember his brother as the person he was before the incident. 

What were they trying to say? Were the assumptions they made about him that shameful? Or maybe there was something else… Souta groaned and decided it was enough for one day. 

But even back at the hotel the thoughts were still haunting him, he read his notes over a lonely dinner again and again, trying to connect the loose ends to finally form a coherent string of events. 

Nothing. 

He already did enough for a day. Even though he didn’t want to waste any time, he knew that it was an idiotic idea to strain himself like that trying to find answers. This time he got into a packed elevator, people were talking, looking at him. Souta didn’t feel uncomfortable this time, but he was glad when he finally got out of it. 

Walking down the hallway, his mind felt blank for the first time this day, he didn’t notice how sleepy he was until now. Going all out was a stupid idea, but he really needed to set things into motion. 

Souta stumbled towards his hotel room and pressed the key card against the door, his entire body was aching as if someone set it on fire. He shut the door behind him carefully and let his body fall into the mattress without a care. There was nothing he needed more than sleep right now.


	15. Rewind

Souta woke up in cold sweat, a sudden flash of panic sent his body into a state of numbing pain and fear. But he didn’t dream anything bad, did he…? When he was honest he couldn’t even remember if he had dreamed anything in first place, all that was left was a dry feeling in his mouth. 

But he didn’t have time to shake the feeling off, he needed to get going. So he quickly slipped out of bed and got ready for the day. … and what were his plans…? There was no need to go the library again, otherwise he’d just waste his time. 

“Fuck…”, if only he were a policeman like Chika, then he would have gotten access to the case, “... Chika…” Right! He was the key to all of it after all. Souta quickly packed his bag and stormed out of the hotel, he could eat breakfast on the way to his destination. It felt like time was his worst enemy right now, he didn’t know this city and asking people on the street wouldn’t get him anywhere either. 

He nervously typed the address he needed into his phone and started following the instructions he got. His head was spinning and his stomach churning, he had stopped at a small café and mindlessly picked the first thing he saw on the menu, running through the city while trying to chug down his food and drink wasn’t a good idea. Hopefully everything would go down smoothly so he could try to catch a breath later. 

All this time his head was spinning, he wasn’t even sure if his plans would work out in first place. He was still just a photographer without any special permissions, he couldn’t just walk in on people doing their work and demand that they dropped everything just to talk to him, but desperate times called for desperate measures. 

“Here it is…”, there was no denying that it was naive to think that he could just walk into a police station and demand to talk to a veteran detective, but he didn’t have the time to wait. Every step he took weight heavy on his anxious mind, he was really testing his luck right now. 

The receptionist smiled at him, she probably thought of him as a confused tourist. 

“Hello, is… Detective Shinohara here today?”, before he got an answer from her he heard a familiar voice saying his name in mild disbelief. 

“... Souta-kun, is that… really you?”, maybe he thought he saw a ghost, everyone told Souta how much he looked like Chika all the time. It must have been an odd feeling to see an almost exact copy of a dead person standing right in front of oneself, living and breathing. 

“Detective Shinohara!”, he bowed deeply and was surprised to feel the other man’s hand resting on his shoulder. 

“It’s been years since I last saw you, how’s everyone doing? Ah, let’s talk in my office,” the other policemen watched them walk past them in confusion. Neither of them had seen this young man before, but it seemed like Shinohara-san knew him well. 

“Take a seat, would you like something to drink? A coffee?” 

Souta carefully pulled the chair he was offered back and smiled nervously, “No… thank you. I suppose you know why I’m here.”

The older man leaned back in his chair and looked out of the window, there was a solemn expression on his face, it seemed like he didn’t talk to Souta, but more to himself, “I’ve been waiting for this day to come. When one of you would be old enough to question what happened to your brother years ago… and I’m the last member of the original team that investigated that case.” 

“Why are you the only one left?”, Souta felt the weight of the diaries in his bag increase but he didn’t want to bring them up just yet. He wanted to know what Shinohara-san’s unbiased opinion was. 

“You see,” it was an uncomfortable topic, but he promised himself he would be honest when one of the children would ever ask him about their brother’s case, “I didn’t believe that your brother took his own life back then. … 14 years ago I was just a rookie investigator, nobody did really pay attention to me and nobody was interested in anything I had to say, but I remember that he called us hours before he died.” 

“What do you mean with that?”, Souta had known of his brother’s intention, but he didn’t know whether or not he made that call. 

“He was speaking calm and quietly, he told us that he had clues about the whereabouts of a missing person and that we should… that’s where the call ended. The operator who answered the call, said that it seemed like someone in the house kept him from telling her what he knew,” talking about it made it even more painfully obvious that suicide was merely the reason they had giving everyone so they would stop asking, “Your brother… he stopped by here a few times actually. They always sent him away... I never believed that someone with… such a fire in his eyes would ever do something like that.” 

“... is there… anything else…?”, it was hard to find the words he had carefully arranged before coming here, knowing that other people also grieved for his brother made him realise what kind of impact he had had on their lives. 

“You’re asking me as if you know something,” he sighed and looked down on his hands, “I am sure you found out _why_ your brother came here, right?” 

“Yes, I found his diaries and…”, there was something telling in the detective's eyes so he stopped.

“Souta, listen… all these years, I felt guilty for not digging deeper into the case of your brother. He was onto something, he knew more than he should about a case that was abandoned years before you were even born,” was he really trying to tell him it was best to give up? There was a pain in the boys eyes he understand too well, the pain of being met with disbelief when trust and encouragement was needed, “You have to be careful. Please tell me what you know.” 

His hands were shaking as he reached into his bag and carefully pulled the diaries out, “Just as much as my brother did… apparently someone my grandfather and great grandfather knew was murdered. Chika’s notes are chaotic and I hardly understood what he meant, I just read this name over and over again… and murder…”

“What name?”

“Marude Itsuki,” saying it left him with such an odd feeling, he couldn’t connect the face with a name nor a history. It’s like this person didn’t even exist in first place or it at least felt like someone wanted him to believe that. 

The expression on his face was more than just telling, “You really had to focus on that case, didn’t you…?” There was a reason why nobody even dared to touch it in years, of course neither Chika nor his younger brother could have known why. It became something of an urban legend in this area, afterall young University students from Tokyo didn’t just vanish without a trace every day. 

“... there must be some connection… between my brother’s death and this case and I want to know… I have to know why it had to end like this,” there was nothing left to say, his voice was hoarse, it was already breaking. 

“... very well, then I will tell you everything I know.”


	16. Making ends meet

Souta felt numb, hours had passed and it had started to rain, his arms were wrapped tightly around his chest, guarding the diaries from the downpour. Everything was spinning around him and he didn’t even know how he ended up getting back to the hotel. 

He carefully placed the bag on his bed and stormed into the bathroom, even though he had barely eaten anything before, he still couldn’t hold it in. A cold shiver ran down his body and he fought his way to the sink, washing his face and mouth. 

This whole time he had been looking for answers, but what he got was not what he wanted. But what did he expect? That all of the sudden everything would just magically be resolved…? No, everything started with his brother’s death, at least for him. For everyone else the story began years before even Souta’s father was born. 

It all began with his family moving to this lonely city nearby a mountain range. 

The Washuu hadn’t really enjoyed a good reputation when the came to this town, but their wealth somehow kept everything afloat and attracted other academics and members of high society. Meaning that the town’s economic status began to flourish, enabling it to grow into the city it was today.   
But for some reason they moved to the mountains suddenly, it was around the time that Souta’s great grandfather brought a student from Tokyo back home with him. Of course rumours had spread about the relationship between the student and his mentor, but the voices were kept quiet because of the dependence the people of this area had on the Washuu. 

When the family of the student showed up around town, because their son hadn’t contacted them in months, they were sent back home. Even the investigators from Tokyo were told they were wasting their time looking for him. 

Why? Why even… Souta stared at the ceiling and groaned. Shinohara-san told him about various reasons why, because everyone in this town had their own theories about the case. Theories were the last thing he needed right now, but what really upset him was the fact that every file about the case was stolen after only 3 years of investigation. 

Afterwards it was tossed from department to department. Nobody wanted to take responsibility for a case that apparently was never meant to be solved as the mere existence of the victim couldn’t be proofed, since all records and traces of him were erased from the face of earth. 

Even his own family gave up… 

The more Souta thought about it, the less he could think of this person as the culprit in the case of his brother’s murder. No. Maybe he was just another victim, but… a victim of whom? Staying in this town would no longer be of any use for him, it was time to go back. The only place where he would find answers, had been the mansion in the mountains all along.


	17. To the fears we didn't know we had

The car ride back felt even longer than he anticipated. It felt like a race against time, the sun was already setting… Souta felt his hands growing numb and cold, his heart was beating against his ribcage and his lungs hurt. He didn’t want to go back to the house, the barrier barely protected his room, but it was meant to keep things out and that also included him at this very moment. 

Instead of taking a turn to the left up the path on the mountainside, he turned right and found himself standing in front of Minako’s house. It wasn’t raining but he felt as if it did, his body was freezing and he was shaking. Before he could ring the doorbell, the old woman opened the door and pulled Souta into the house. 

“It’s dangerous to be outside at this time of day, you stupid boy,” she was scolding him, but it left him with a warm feeling, he knew that she only had the best intentions. 

“I’m sorry, auntie… I just didn’t want to be alone…”, when was the last time he called her that? He didn’t want to be close to anyone, that’s what he thought when he first came here, but now he knew that he was more than just lonely, he was dependent on the people around him. 

“Shh… it’s okay, my boy, it’s okay…”, feeling her wrap her arms around him made him feel safe, he nodded quietly and closed his eyes. It almost felt like grandma’s hug, it was so warm and comforting, “Don’t cry Souta, tell me what’s wrong.” 

“I’m scared…”, but of what? “I think I did something… bad… and now it can’t… go back to how things were before…” Should he even be telling her that? He didn’t want to get her into trouble, she was an outsider and it was best for her to always be one. 

“Come, sit down and then tell me what’s going on. You’ve been acting weird ever since you came back,” still he couldn’t shake off the feeling that she already knew everything, she just needed the confirmation that Souta needed too. 

“I wanted to know why Chika… you know… and… I found his diaries and now it feels like, I’m tracking down a murderer I wasn’t even chasing in first place,” did he even make sense? “I just… missed Chika… so much… I can barely look at myself without seeing him and I can’t live with this guilt any longer and everytime I think I’m getting closer to finally understanding why all of this had to happen, I end up with nothing but more questions.” 

“Souta, you already came this far… do you want to give up now?”

“... no…”, why was she encouraging him? “What do you know about… the case?”

There was an uncomfortable silence, the old woman held Souta’s hand tightly and sighed, “Only as much as everyone else does and… well… when your father was still a child, only 4 years old, he often played in the attic of the mansion. I didn’t really think much of it, nothing more than him going through the boxes filled with old clothes until…”

Every word that passed her lips was chosen with so much care that it almost made him uncomfortable. 

“... one day he started talking to someone… I was so … confused, because he didn’t just say any name, it wasn’t gibberish… he asked Maru-chan if he wasn’t lonely living like this.” 

The young man nearly jumped up but the tight grip on his hand made it impossible, “You are not telling me he meant _that_ Marude... ?” 

“I know you would like me to say I don’t, but I am very sure it was that Marude… I thought that maybe he had caught on the gossip that spread, but he seemed to hold real conversations with… his… imaginary friend… until your grandfather found out.” 

Souta scoffed and felt his face burn, “I can imagine how that ended…” 

Minako lifted her hand and caressed Souta’s cheek, “Oh my dear… my sweet little boy…” Even though it happened years ago, she felt as if she was comforting a beaten child, a young man turned into a little child, crying in his aunt’s arms.


	18. If it makes you happy

“Thank you for letting me stay the night,” he bowed deeply and then gave her a hug, “... thank you for everything…” 

“Ah, Souta… stop talking as if we’re never going to see eachother again,” but maybe this was a point of no return. Still, she didn’t want to speak the worst into existence, “History doesn’t have to repeat itself, Souta.” 

“I’ll make sure it won’t,” it sounded bitter, stale. He couldn’t even believe these words himself, no matter how badly he wanted to. It didn’t feel right to take his car up to the mansion, so he walked, it was just right after dawn so he would have enough time till nightfall. 

… in case he needed it… 

What did he even want to do? Ah yes, great grandpa’s notes. There were located at the bottom of the bookshelf in the living room. Souta knew it so well because he was never allowed to touch them, yet the one time he did the picture that got him into so much trouble slipped out. 

Well then, thanks for nothing. … no, nobody could have known that his grandfather would react like that, right? He wouldn’t blame a man he barely knew for things that happened long after his death. 

Coming back to the mansion felt odd, the pressing atmosphere was gone, everything was quiet. Now it felt like an ordinary home. A place that nobody had lived in for a while, but aside from that nothing out of the ordinary. 

His steps felt light and he breathed easily, Souta quietly sat down in front of the bookshelf just as he did when he was still a child. He slowly pulled several thick, leather bound notebooks out of the bottom row and started reading. All he needed to find was that one name and everything that came afterwards, but semester after semester passed and he still couldn’t find it. Instead he noticed small markings on certain names, but only names of male students. 

Did they misbehave? No, their attendance was flawless and so were their grades. Then what did these markings mean…? Ah, no that wasn’t of any importance now. He had to focus on his initial goal. 

After 11 semesters he finally found the right name. Marude Itsuki. There was no marking to his name, but it seemed like someone had rubbed over the name, the ink was slowly fading. His grades were good, his attendance flawless, apparently he was also eager to partake in discussions, as his great grandfather had noted. 

That was all. 

… frustrated Souta flipped a few more pages and noticed that his name vanished from the list of students, even though he didn’t graduate. But just like his name the markings on the other students’ names vanished too, or didn’t they? He traced the markings backwards, only now he noticed that they disappeared after Marude enrolled. 

“What the hell…”, it still felt like he got more questions than answers now, maybe there was something in grandpa’s office that could help him. Nobody ever saw the inside of the room, not even the servants, only grandpa. But he was gone now, so he surely wouldn’t mind if Souta would intrude. 

For some reason the lingering silence in the mansion made him more nervous than the pressing atmosphere that nearly drove him insane only a few days ago. It felt like passing over a stream that was quite and calm on the surface, but the second you slipped and fell into it, it would consume you and pull down into its depths. 

Still, there was no turning back now. He kept on walking until he finally reached the office, it was the only place in the house that was locked. No matter how hard Souta tried, he couldn’t open the door nor break the lock. 

Where in the world could he have hidden the keys…? The master’s bedroom was empty, he also didn’t trust grandma enough to place it there. The bookshelves in the living room? Probably neither, because he knew that Souta couldn’t keep his hands off the books. 

_Check the attic._

What in the world…? Souta looked around and gulped, this voice was too clear, too loud. It wasn’t a hallucination, someone did talk to him, there was no doubt, but who? Maybe it were the walls that started speaking to him, they said that it happened in old houses, intimate objects came to live after living with humans for so long. 

Souta grabbed his phone and turned the flashlight on, maybe the attic was his last chance or he fell for a very clever trick. Either way, it was a chance he had to take.


	19. Little Box

Everything was packed into boxes of varying sizes, neatly organised and marked. The only problem was, that there were too many of them. He had spent too much time reading, he knew that he had to hurry up, otherwise the sun would set before he could get out of the house. Still, knowing how close he was to finally getting the answers he needed, made it nearly impossible to stay rational. 

Between the drawings his grandmother saved, he found more and more photos with scratched out faces, what did Marude do to deserve this amount of hate…? It just didn’t make any sense to him anymore. 

“... where the fuck is this key…”, no matter which box he checked, he found nothing but old clothes and notebooks. Did he overlook something…? 

Ah! On top of a lonely shelf he found a small box, it looked like a box that was used to store letters in. Between countless letters and notes he found a small box, inside was a single key. It had to be the right one. Souta stuffed it in his pocket and was about to close the box, when curiosity got the best of him. 

What was written on those notes…? 

_My dearest Itsuki,_

Whose handwriting was that even? 

_I know it is inappropriate for me to_

Thick black ink started seeping through the paper, the box slowly filled up with the liquid to the brim and Souta dropped it in shock and surprise. Great, did he waste more time than needed again? The rumbling that came from the floor above him was enough of an answer and it made him back up against the wall, he felt his knees shake as _it_ raced down the stairs. 

_Souta Souta Souta WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU BAD CHILD_ **YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE _DEMON_ SPAWN** _**GIVE IT BACK SOUTA GIVE IT BACK IT IS MINE GIVE IT BACK** _

__It crawled on all fours, broke its spine and joints while every part of its body moved as it approached Souta with a rapid speed. Was this how his brother felt the moment he died? This cold fear that left him in a state of total numbness?_ _

___You can’t just stand there_ , it was just in his head, wasn’t it? This comforting voice, but the moment he was pulled back, the moment he fell backwards into a room he didn’t even notice at first, staring at the creature screaming in anger and sadness, was the moment he knew that his life wasn’t over._ _


	20. 16

Souta slowly opened his eyes and looked into a familiar face, “Y-You?! W-What are you doing here?” 

_I am always here, I can’t leave this place._ , what kind of question was that even? And what was up with this look on his face, _Souta calm down, did they hurt you?_

How in the world didn’t he notice that there was someone living inside this house beside him, no, no he wasn’t exactly alive…, “I thought… you’re just…”

 _A dream?_ , the young man blushed and lowered his gaze, _Well you didn’t really give me the chance to explain myself and… I… thought maybe it’s better if I don’t tell you that you had sex with a ghost._

“Oh Lord Jesus… does that mean I’m cursed now? And… who… are you?”, there was too much on his mind right now, there was a horrifying shadow monster rampaging outside this hidden room he didn’t know existed in first place and he apparently lost his virginity to a ghost. 

_You’ve been cursed long before you met me, Souta. That’s why you can see me… and touch me_ , it seemed like just the memory could paint a bright blush on his pale face once again, _I’m Marude Itsuki._

“...”, this was a joke right? No, no… it made perfect sense, all of it made perfect sense.

 _... Souta?_

He slowly got up and so did the ghostly figure in front of him, “Tell me everything about you. I finally found you, now I want to know why you’re here. Who did this to you?” 

_It’s a long story…_ , he walked over to the large bed that didn’t seem to have collected any dust in all the years that this room was let unused, _Are you sure you want to hear it?_

“I got all night…”, Souta sat down next to him and smiled tired, “I mean we already skipped the small talk so…” 

Even though he didn’t breathe anymore his chest moved when he laughed, _Well that wasn’t my idea… but okay, I’ll tell you everything that is there to know about me._


	21. A shared dream, just for one night

_“Itsuki!”, a pair of small feet angrily stomped on the ground next to his desk, “Did you even listen to me?”_

_“Yes, I did… and I am sorry, Kasumi,” he finally put his pen down and turned to his little sister, “I can’t decline an invitation by my professor, you know? I won’t be gone for long it’s just a few weeks and I’ll be back again.”_

_“... but you promised me that we’d go to see the ocean…”_

_Great, now he had to disappoint her again, but the invitation just came out of the blue and there was no way he could say no, “Kasumi…”_

_“... then… please keep this with you,” the little girl carefully opened her brother’s hand and placed a small necklace in it, before pressing his fingers against it, “Now we’ll always be together and you won’t forget your promise.”_

“You… have a little sister?”, knowing that she was probably still out there waiting for her big brother to return made him feel dizzy and sick. He still remembered how hard Rize cried after their brother died, how she ran to the door and waited in the cold for him to come back home, well knowing it would never happen. 

How must it feel like to never get any closure at all? When the children grew older they understood that their brother would never come back. Death was the end of all things, but what happened when nobody could ever confirm that a person died? 

_Have or had… I don’t know if she’s still alive at this point…_ , he looked over to the lonely desk that stood to their right, after a while he turned back to Souta, _It was the last time I ever saw her, I really thought I’d have the chance to go back home._

_“I‘m glad that you agreed to join me, Itsuki,” a bright smile formed on the middle aged man’s face, “I know what kind of rumours the student spread about me, but trust me, it’s just gossip.”_

_“Don’t worry, I’m not really interested in the things the others talk about to make the time between the lectures more interesting,” Itsuki looked out of the train window and watched the scenery pass by._

_His professor leaned back and watched his student closely, “I’m glad Itsuki. It’s good to know that you trust me.”_

An uncomfortable silence spread between them. What in the world was his great grandfather thinking… “What kind of gossip was he talking about?” 

_That he had sex with his male students, a few each semester,_ it wasn’t something anyone glossed over at the time that Itsuki was still in University, _I knew it was true but…_

_“So he takes his little fuck toys back home now, huh?”_

_Itsuki carefully put the books he had read back into the shelf, pretending that he hadn’t heard Yoshiu. He knew that his professor had a son but he had never met him before._

_“... Itsuki, you heard me the first time haven’t you?”_

_He said his name with such a vile undertone that it forced him to turn around and face him, “What the fuck is your problem? I don’t sleep with your dad and I don’t have any intention to do so.”_

_The next thing he knew was how a fist crashed right into the wall behind him, he felt Yoshiu’s body pressed against his own. There was no way he could have moved away with the bookshelf in his back, he could merely turn his face away so he didn’t have to look at him._

_“Don’t get cocky, faggot. I know exactly what my father does in Tokyo and I don’t care, but taking one of you home is a different story,” his nails dug deep into Itsuki’s skin, the look in his eyes was hardly one to misunderstand, “You’re not welcome here just because my father wants to fuck your virgin ass, I hope I made myself clear?”_

_“Trust me, my daddy issues aren’t that bad that I want to fuck a guy I view as a father figure. But you should try to get some help with yours,” maybe it wasn’t really worth the punch that followed, but knowing he hit him where it hurt was enough._

“I didn’t expect you to have such a foul mouth,” he would have laughed if it weren’t for the knowledge of his grandfather hurting him because he was jumping to conclusions. 

_I just had to, it felt so good… Yoshiu always looked down on me, first I thought it’s because I’m poor and still had the audacity to enroll at University… well…_ , Itsuki was mildly surprised when Souta lied down and placed his head on his lap, but he didn’t mind, _I know I had been a little too brave being open about my sexual orientation, but I never wanted to lie to myself or anyone else._

_“Did you make any progress in the Ono case?”_

_The air was pressing, they had been staying in this room for hours and hours now, “Yes, I think found something… but I’m not sure, see the daughter was acting suspicious - … professor?”_

_“Huh? Oh sorry, was I staring again…”, he laughed but t was superficial, “I’m sorry Itsuki it’s just…”_

_Should he bring up that he wanted to leave earlier now? It was uncomfortable to feel his gaze lingering upon him, Yoshiu wasn’t wrong and yet he was. If it only were for something like a sexual desire Itsuki would have been able to shake it of easier, he knew that the other man would never force him to have sex with him, but it was something different. Something that scared him._

_“I think we should call it a day,” he got stood up and stretched, then he walked over to the window of his office and pointed at the mountain that arose in close distance to the city, “Yoshiu build a mansion there… we’ll move next week. They said it’s not worth keeping this house, when I’m away in Tokyo most of the time, they want to be closer to nature.”_

_“Is that so…”, maybe now it was the right time to bring it up, “I think I want to go back home sooner, I don’t want to burden you with my presence any longer.”_

_What was it that he really wanted though?_

_The older man turned to him and smiled, “Oh? I’m sorry to hear that… why won’t you stay a bit longer? The summer in the mountainside is beautiful.” Why did he sound so pained._

_Could he even say no now? He didn’t want to stay but he felt obligated to do it. At this point Itsuki wasn’t sure what he wanted himself. Stay or leave. A father or a friend. It certainly wasn’t what his professor had in mind for him._

“... how did the others react to you staying with them longer?”, he could imagine his grandfather’s reaction but not his great grandmother’s, he barely knew anything about her, but what he knew made him uncomfortable. 

_Well, Yoshiu made himself pretty clear, he wasn’t too happy that I stayed, but worried me was his mother._

_“You’re really beautiful, Marude-kun. You have such a stern look, but your features are so soft… if you were a girl you’d be an exceptional beauty,” her hands were freezing cold and slender, they traced every line of his features down to his neck, “My husband said you’re not interested in him.”_

_His eyes widened in shock and he tried to stand up but she pushed him down onto the chair that stood in front of her vanity._

_“There there, no need to run away,” it seemed like she was happy knowing that he had no romantic interest in her husband, “I know what he does when he’s not here. You’re the first boy that rejected him, I’m proud of you.”_

_What was she trying to achieve… he felt uncomfortable by her touch and all he wanted was to leave the room, preferably the town too. He just wanted to go home._

_“Hazuki! What are you doing?”, he had never heard his professor use such an aggressive tone, but now he was glad that he did._

_“D-Dear I was just… he was…”, she pulled her hands back and folded them as though she was praying._

_As soon as he felt her grip on his shoulders loosen he rushed over to his professor, “It’s nothing really…”_

“... so you mean she…”

 _No, she was an aging actress, Souta. A diva. When she was younger she had countless admirer, even after she gave birth to Yoshiu. But she was getting older and she knew it, she probably tried to proof something to her if she would seduce the boy that rejected her husband but she didn’t understand my reasons._

“And they were?”

His fingers brushed through Souta’s hair, he shut his eyes and breathed in deeply even though he didn’t have to, _I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to sleep with someone I have no feelings for._

“Oh… but you -”, before he could say anything else he felt his finger press against his lips. 

_I know what I did, Souta, I did it because I know how you feel… you were just the same as me, scared to open up… but still longing for some kind of connection,_ then he laughed, feeling silverish tears stream down his face, _You risked your life till here, looking for something you can’t get back and I’m just… tied into this. Maybe I was just lonely and desperate, but knowing you tried your best to find out who I am and what happened to me… how could I regret what we did even if there’s no love._

“... who said there isn’t… I mean I’m already cursed so there’s nothing that would speak against falling in love with a ghost,” feeling and seeing him laugh gave him a warm feeling, “I know I’ve seen you before… I drew you countless times and I dreamed of you. … but I repressed every memory I had about the time I first saw you...” 

Souta sat up and pulled him into a tight hug, “Whoever locked you in here wanted you to be forgotten by the world… but I promise I won’t let that happen.” 

It was an unfamiliar feeling to be held again, but it was something he never wanted to miss ever again, _Then you need to hear the rest of the story too…_

_“You look pale Itsuki, why don’t you lie down?”_

_He felt uncomfortable with Hazuki treating him like a child all of the sudden, but he really didn’t feel well._

_“The train… will… depart soon I…”, Itsuki felt his stomach twist and turn, his head was spinning and cold sweat ran down his spine._

_“No no… you need to lie down and get some rest, sleep well…”_

_The next thing I knew was that… I was sick for weeks, months maybe? I lost track of time and space… what I did know… was that Hazuki had died. I never knew how or why, it was so sudden. That’s when Yoshiu’s attitude towards me got worse._

“What do you mean with that?”, judging by the look on his face it was clear what he meant, but still Souta needed to know everything, even if it hurt, he would make up for it. 

_He tried to proof himself to me, he was horrible…_ , just the memory filled him with so much disgust that he could barely find the words to describe what happened, _He did everything to make me feel like an intruder, but at the same time he didn’t let me go. Even when professor Washuu finally agreed that it would be best if I’d go back home, Yoshiu insisted that I should stay._

“Why did he say it all of the sudden, though?”, after all he heard, he would have expected that his grandfather would have been the happiest without him around. Why the sudden change of heart?

_I think it was because he wanted me to feel the same pain as he did…_

_The taste of stale blood lingered in his mouth as he slowly sat up, this wasn’t the guest room he resided in for the past months. This room didn’t have windows, it was sterile. There was a small writing desk in the right corner of the room, a large bed and a small shelf with a few books. But that was all._

_No, there was a small bathroom… what in the world was this place? There was a door, a heavy door that seemed to shut the world out and Itsuki in._

_“I-Is anyone… can anyone hear me?”_

_This had to be a joke right…? What in the world happened to him? Hadn’t he already been on the train? Yoshiu had seen him off, the last thing he knew was that he turned his back to him and…_

_The noise of wood gliding over wood caught his attention, someone was watching him. A pair of light grey eyes was fixed on him, when he tried to rush over to them they shut the peephole._

“... so it was… it really was one of my family members, who did this to you?” 

He simply nodded, talking about these things, remembering them, it wore him out, “I know… I promised, I’d tell you everything but I…” 

“I just want to know something… one last thing…”, knowing all this gave him a clearer picture but there was still something missing, “What happened to my brother?” 

_I only met him briefly, when he was still whole… he didn’t tell me how he died, all he did was apologise to me. He said, he was sorry for not being able to set me free, that it was his family’s fault that I am trapped here,_ it seemed like he was thinking long and hard about something, His clothes were dripping wet and there were marks on his body, as if someone had forcefully pulled him down. 

“Thank you…”, that was probably all he would get, but that was still better than nothing, “Wait what do you mean with whole?” 

_When your brother passed over… he left something in this world, strong desires often develop a conscience. They attach themself to an intimate object and bring them to life, that often happens in old houses or with items that were passed down from generation to generation. In his case it simply took the form of…_

“... light…”, he knew something about this bright light that only appeared when his life was in immediate danger felt familiar. It made him feel safe and it was just as reassuring as his brother’s comforting embraces. 

_It’s his strong desire to protect his family, he loved you dearly, Souta._

“... he did…”, there was no doubt about it. 

They fell quiet, even the creature raging in front of their room didn’t make a sound.

 _You should sleep now,_ he was surprised to feel Souta pull him down, into a warm embrace, _It’s been a long day…_

“Mhm… good night, Itsuki.”


	22. Between paper, dust and bones

It was hard to tell how much time passed, all he knew was that he was still holding Itsuki in his arms when he woke up. Did ghosts sleep too? Apparently so. He yawned and snuggled into Souta’s chest. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t hard to fall in love with a ghost, especially one whose fate was so deeply woven into his very own. 

Souta gently brushed his hair out of his face and kissed his forehead. There were still so many things he wanted to ask Itsuki, but he also knew that it would wear him out. It was a tiring process. 

_Souta…?_

“I’m here Itsuki…,” he smiled as their eyes met, but there was a painful agony in the other’s eyes, “What’s wrong…?” 

_We have to bring this to an end, Souta…_

Of course they did. Even now that he wanted nothing more than to stay with Itsuki, he owed his brother closure and the same applied to Itsuki’s family. 

“What do I have to do?”   
Itsuki smiled softly, but then his expression changed, _I know that Yoshiu keeps my bones somewhere in this house, as long as they are here and not properly buried, I can’t leave… he knew that…_

“The only place they can be is his office, he never let us go inside,” now that explained why he always spent so much time there, “But there’s no guarantee, it might be too easy.” 

_... you’re right… but you should still check it, if they’re not there maybe you’ll still find a clue about their whereabouts_ , it felt like a defeat but Souta was right, there was no way that Yoshiu would make this easy for them. 

“I hope so…”, he sighed and smiled sadly, “There’s still so much I want to ask you… but I think… it’s really not the time and place for that.” After all he was still a human, time passed for him and hunger began to cloud up his mind. Staying here would mean he would die of malnourishment at some point. 

_It’s okay Souta, I understand,_ he let his fingers run through the other’s hair, _All I want for you is to live._

“Will I see you again?”

 _..._ , all he did was smile, there was no answer he could give him that would be satisfying. 

He turned away because he couldn’t bare looking at him, when they both felt the same pain and an anger he couldn’t direct at anyone or anything, “Please stay here until you feel it’s safe for you to come out… I promise I’ll protect you.” 

_Souta… before you go -_ , he walked over to his desk and pulled the top drawer out, _Please take this with you._

“But… that’s the necklace Kasumi gave you,” it didn’t feel right but he couldn’t refuse it when Itsuki put it on him. 

_This way, I’ll always be with you._

He felt his hand rest on his shoulder, their lips touched again. This time it felt different, Souta felt his tears taint the kiss, he held Itsuki tightly in his arms, “I’m scared…” 

_Me too… but you can do this..._

Deep down, inside of his mind he knew that this probably were the last words he’d ever hear Itsuki say. If he could make a wish right now, he’d ask God or whoever heard him to just let him leave this place together with Itsuki.   
He would leave the worries and weight of living behind, but at the same time everything that happened led him here. It made him grow. It was way too easy just to die and pass the curse down to the next generation, but that would be unfair. 

To everyone, but mostly the ones that didn’t chose this fate for themselves. Souta checked his phone, it was 05:30 in the morning. The sun would rise soon, so the id probably hid somewhere where it was safe from the sunlight. 

Great, now he was hungry. Well, he couldn’t go about this without eating first, right? It was an odd feeling. In movies nobody ever thought about this, but all he could think was, what would you like to eat before you die? At the same time he didn’t want to die. No, he needed to be strong, the day and the night would be long, there was no way he could risk his life just because he was too hasty. 

He ate a lonely meal in front of the kitchen window. Was this the last sunrise he’d ever see? Even if so, then he at least died doing the right thing. Should he send out goodbye messages? They would probably only freak everyone out. 

Still, if something would happen to him now, he had to make sure to at least leave something behind, anything… 

A call would do, at this time of day nobody was awake anyway. Only the answering machine picked up. 

“... hey mum… dad… it’s Souta. I’m sorry for not calling you sooner. I… think I’m… in trouble. Just - … it’s okay really. I’m trying to sort it all out… I just wanted to say thank you for everything. Please take care of Rize and Kishou for me and tell them I’m sorry, I don’t know if I’ll come back home.”


	23. Welcome home, embrace your hell

Just when he hung up the phone and felt like he was about to cry, he heard another phone ring. The ringing didn’t come from the usual place, it was somewhere else. It was muffled and drowned. 

He slowly walked towards the bathroom, the water was running but it didn’t flood the mansion. No, it only stayed in one place, even when he opened the door it didn’t move. The ringing didn’t stop, he looked over to the overflowing bathtub. 

The water was dirty, mud covered the bottom of the tub, leaves and branches sticked out. Grass and moss grew out of caulk. Was it a hallucination? He didn’t know anymore, his feet were getting wet but his clothes were dry. 

Souta reached into the tub and picked up, “Hello…?”

_“Are you sure you want to do this?”_

It was a woman speaking, someone he didn’t know, she had a beautiful voice but it didn’t convey any emotion, “Of course I am.”

_“How can you know that he’s not tricking you?”_

“Tricking me…?”, when he was honest at first he had his doubts about Itsuki, he did know next to nothing about him, nothing but the things he told him himself. 

_“You know, demons come in beautiful shapes, they have silver tongues, they tell you everything you want to hear and they give you everything you want.”_

“... and what would that be?”

_“You’ve been lonely for so long. Lonely and vulnerable, do you miss your big brother? Is that why you’re jumping on the first cock you can get?”_

“Sorry but I’m not into my own genetic pool,” that was enough, if they tried to mess with him they needed to come up with better strategies than that. 

The water vanished, the grass and moss withered and rotted away. It felt good to know that he could finally accomplish something that he fend this thing off on his own. 

Souta got up and felt the weight of the key in his chest pocket increase. He had to get going. He already wasted enough time. 

Walking down the corridor he could feel their eyes staring him out of the shadows, but he didn’t have time to poke each and every single one out. There wasn’t enough time to get salt either, so he just had to endure it. 

He held the key tighter, he felt the metal dig deep into his skin, his head was spinning. What did they try now? His vision was blurry and he felt as if someone was messing with his intensities, looking down he did find more than one arm reaching inside of his body. 

“If… you think… this can scare me… I already fucked… a ghost…”, he felt their anger, all he could do was laugh, “Does it hurt? … you know he felt amazing and he _loved_ it.” 

Souta felt his legs give in as he crashed on the ground, he felt like throwing up but his body didn’t give him the sweet relief. They suddenly stopped, pulled their hands back as a soft tapping sound echoed through the house. 

Morse…? What was he saying…? 

_Be - strong - Souta_

He didn’t even want to hear the second part, he wasn’t worthy of hearing words like that and he couldn’t even reply, all he could do was proof it. Yes, he had to proof it. 

It felt like he had to fight against a force that was by far more powerful than him as he slowly got up. His bones were slowly turning into dust, his blood was evaporating while his skin peeled. 

But it was all just in his head right…? All this pain.

He held onto the door handle and pulled himself up. Then he unlocked the door, shortly afterwards his weakened body crashed into the room.

Only to find it empty. 

“What… the… fuck…”, Souta slowly got up and looked around, there was only an old desk, nothing more. He could move and breathe easier now, but the disappointment hurt even more than all the ghosts in his head. 

_He knew that it was just a matter of time until one of you would show up here._

“... and he took his precautions…”, but didn’t Itsuki say maybe he’d find a clue here? He was probably right. Souta began to open every drawer and emptied them, trying to find something, anything. 

_We’re all guilty, Souta. All of us._

What should be say? Should he defend himself? “I know we are.” He looked down on his hands, the hands that were able to touch something that shouldn’t even exist in first place. 

_He was always here. It would be such a happy and beautiful thought… if it weren’t for the fact… that I could never see him, nor touch him._

A teacup shattered in front of Souta, tea seeped through the cracks in the wooden floor.

“... why are you telling me all of this…?”

Shouldn’t he try to stop or hurt him? 

_Because you’re the only part of me that can make it up to him… I could never tell him I’m sorry and I know as soon as lose focus I won’t be able to form any coherent string of thought anymore._

“... so…?” 

The shadowy figure turned to Souta, there was a pained expression on it’s non existent face, _All I can tell you is that you’ll find your answers in the chashitsu._

What was he even… but when he glanced out of the window he finally understood. Looking out of this room and only this room, the old chashitsu was in full view. 

Nobody ever went there, it was left unused for decades, or so he thought…


	24. Passageway

He was a good boy. He never climbed out of windows to sneak out of his family’s home at night, but now it was midday and he had a good reason to do it. It was hard to open the old window, but he managed. 

Souta slowly climbed outside and landed in a hydrangea, how morbid. Even though he did like these flowers, he also knew that they were a connection between the land of the living and the dead. If there was one thing he had enough off already, it were dead people. 

To his surprise it needed less effort to stand up and walk again, but the moment he gazed at the sky he understood. It was midday at best, the shadows couldn’t reach him now, he sighed deeply and started walking towards the chashitsu. 

His mind was blank and he felt shivers run down his spine, it was oddly cold considering that it was still midday and the sun was shining so brightly. But the garden was lifeless, it felt like nobody had taken care of it in ages, the grasses and roots were growing how they liked to.

The chashitsu looked worn down, it had been untouched for years. Nearby was be pond in which his brother drowned… he never saw it up close and he never really wanted to. Until now. 

Why was he so drawn to it, it felt like an invisible force was slowly pulling closer and closer. He needed to bend over the water’s surface, get a good look at his own reflection, sleep at the bottom of the small pool of water. 

_Sou-chan! Hey, Sou-chan!_

“Chika…?”, it felt like he was snapping out of his daze, he started running towards the voice, “Chika!” 

_Come here Sou-chan, come to aniki._

His voice came out of the chashitsu, no matter how irrational it was to believe to find his brother alive and well inside of the narrow building he couldn’t help but follow the sound of his voice. 

He crashed into the door and pushed it open, “Chika I’m - …” 

_Good boy! Now to back to mama._

An old video projector was running hot, it threw dancing pictures on the walls. He watched Chika catch him in his arms over and over again, Souta learned how to walk that day. When he was honest he couldn’t remember it, but he remembered watching the video with his brother over and over again. 

He told him how only wanted to run to him, not to their mother nor their father. Chika always said that Souta laughed so excitedly when he learned how to run ot his brother, landing safely in his arms. 

A soft smile formed on his face as he slowly wrapped his fingers around the pendant of the necklace Itsuki had given him earlier. Wait. What was he even doing here? He needed to look for the bones, Souta groaned and began to inspect his surroundings. Where in the world could he have hidden them? 

“... if Itsuki knows… no… I can’t ask him for help,” still he would have appreciated having him around, was he getting sappy now…? It really wasn’t the time to fall in love, he sighed and sat down. No, he needed to focus on the important things now… 

He looked around, there were no shelves, only a table. A few cups. A fireplace. He wouldn’t place the bones in the fireplace, there was no way he’d risk burning them to ashes. 

The table…? Probably not. 

… or below it...? Maybe inside of the walls, he could tear the whole place down but that would take too much time and time was the one thing he didn’t have. No. No not the walls. There wasn’t even enough space to hide an entire skeleton in there. 

He knew next to nothing about his grandfather, he couldn’t retrace his steps or try to understand what he thought, not that he even wanted to in first place. But it wasn’t a situation in which he could chose whatever was the most comfortable for him. 

Didn’t they pack everything away in boxes? Maybe that was his thing. Where could he have hidden a box in here... 

His gaze wandered to the cups, it was a perfect set. Almost perfect. One was missing. 

… 

The noise of shattering china rung in his ears, a thick liquid dripped on the ground, through the cracks between the floor tiles. 

“It’s under the house…”, of course it was. Souta pressed his head against the floor and started knocking. If there was a hollow space below the floor the noise that would come back would sound just as hollow. 

His ear hurt from the scrubbing over the floor, his knuckled started bleeding from the heavy knocking he did, but he couldn’t give up. How many hours had passed until he finally found what he was looking for? 

At this point his fingers were wound and his ears ringing, still he slowly pulled up the floorboards in the top left corner of the room and stared at a rattling box. 

“I’m sorry for making you wait for you long…”, he carefully picked it up and wrapped his arms around it, “You’re safe now. I’ll protect you.” 

The rattling stopped and Souta smiled, “We’ll be okay. Now let’s get out of here.”


	25. Between here and there, then and now

There was no way for him to secure the box, it was rather large, just big enough to hold an entire skeleton. … how in the world did he even get rid of all the flesh that was attached to the bones…? God he didn’t even want to know. 

He carefully stepped out of the chashitsu and closed the door. 

Souta rose his head and couldn't believe what he saw, he backed away until his back touched the door of the teahouse. Where in the world was he? 

A long pathway unfolded before him, the only source of light were a few candles that lit the way. Instrumental music started playing, muffled voices talked to each other, but Souta didn’t understand what they were saying. 

He slowly took a step forward and stepped on the wooden boards that led him away from the chashitsu, the exact moment he did a curtain rose and actors took the stage. A fox, a mermaid, a scholar and a judge presented themselves to the audience. They bowed deeply before taking their places. 

“Look what I brought home!”, the scholar proudly presented the fox to his family, “I found him on my walk in the woods.”

“Do you really trust him enough to let him into your home? You know that foxes are known for their nature, they trick people,” even though they all wore masks the distaste on the judge’s face was clearly visible. 

All he got as a reply was ringing laughter from the older man, “Son, do you really think I’m so stupid I would fall for a fox’s magic tricks? You really do you me injustice.” 

“Of course, excuse my foolishness,” he turned to the audience, his eyes directly meeting Souta’s, “But who said that it was only him that was in danger?” 

The curtain closed again and Souta inhaled deeply, what the hell was that? He quietly continued walking, trying to figure out what he had just seen and what they were trying to tell him. 

After a while the curtain rose again, this time the fox and the mermaid were alone. 

“You know I was young too, many years before you were born,” the mermaid said brushing her hair that slowly fell to the ground, “I was just as beautiful as you. Men would twist and turn their necks when they tried to follow me with their eyes, but now nobody looks at me anymore.” 

The fox didn’t reply anything, he only stared at the hair that was slowly filling the room. 

“But I could always come back home to the man that prefers to lie with other men, I understood him, always. We didn’t mind what the other did, I loved many men, so did he. But now he _loves_ a person that’s not me -”, the mermaid dashed forward and pressed the fox on the ground, “Tell me, why don’t you look at me?” 

“I don’t like rotten fish.” 

Souta couldn’t help but laugh, that was a very rude thing to say, the mermaid stared at him and he lowered his gaze. The curtain fell again. 

“... are you okay, Itsuki…?”, he felt the bones rattle, as if they were shivering, “We’ll be out here soon.” But he didn’t even believe it himself, the pathway seemed to be endless and so did the stage. 

The voices from the audience got louder again, the talked about the last act, what a short play it was, but the sooner it was over the better. He grew tired of walking and his arms started to hurt too. 

Now the curtain rose one last time, the judge and the mermaid stood in front of a pond, one that Souta knew _too_ well. 

“Isn’t it cruel how time just passes and passes us by?”, her hand touched the surface of the water, her mask was cracking, her hair had completely fallen out at this point.

“It’s a process nobody can stop, mother,” he didn’t approach her, instead he only watched her. 

The more her mask cracked the further she turned away from him, “You’re right, of course you are, you’re a smart child. Then you’ll probably understand that I have to go now, you know life is worth nothing when you’re not beautiful, when you’re not desirable.” 

Souta turned away when he heard the body hit the water, he heard the judge scream and cry, there was nothing he could do, when a mermaid returned to the water after years of living on dry land she had to die. 

The fox, the scholar and the judge stood in front of the audience now, neither of them bowed to the applause, instead the scholar grabbed the fox and held him so tightly in his arms that his head fell off his shoulders while the judge set the curtain on fire. 

Once again the bones started rattling in discomfort and Souta held them tighter as he began to run, hoping to escape this maze.


	26. Where up is down and down is up

The pathway led him to a still pool of water, all he could do right now was swim through it and hope for the best. Souta pushed the box of bones under the shirt and jumped into the water. 

What an odd feeling it was, he thought he’d have to swim but instead he was bone dry, he seemed to be falling backwards as the first thing he saw was the ceiling and not the floor of a room he had never seen before. 

Souta crashed into the ceiling and moaned in pain, at least the box didn’t break… it would have taken way too much time to collect every single bone and piece it back together. He stood up and looked around, there were too many doors to choose from, but if he didn’t check what was behind them he would never leave this place. 

Walking on the ceiling with countless pieces of furniture hanging above his head, being a constant reminder of the danger he was in didn’t make it easier to choose a door. He should open them clockwise. Yes, that was a good idea. 

The first door he opened took him back to the first time his great grandfather met Itsuki. What… whose feelings were that…? Souta felt disgusting, he could never look at a person like _that_ he closed the door and stared at the box, “I’m sorry…” 

The bones didn’t move. 

When he opened the second door, he heard fireworks erupt, people gasped in amazement. 

_“Thank you for taking me here, professor!”, Itsuki’s eyes sparkled and he clasped his hands together, “My father always promised to go to a summer festival with me, but we never got the chance to.”_

_“...did he?”_

Disappointment? Those weren’t Itsuki’s feelings, they belonged to Souta’s great grandfather. He quietly shut the door and sighed.  
Off to the next. 

Itsuki was sleeping quietly, so deeply that he didn’t notice that someone was sitting next to his bed, his hand inches away from his face, he slowly stood up and left. Souta felt tears stream down his face as he felt his heartache. 

Even though he didn’t want to go on, he had to. 

_“Hazuki, what are you doing?”, he opened his arms to Itsuki and for the first time he held him, he wanted to protect him. There was such a horrified expression on his face._

“So he did feel sorry huh… did he ever hurt you?” 

A soft humming came from the box, it was reassuring Souta that his darkest fears never came true. 

“Huh…? This door is locked…,” so he had to pick another one. Despite his initial plan he wandered through half of the room until he reached the other side, he opened a door that was rumbling, voices hushed through the cracks and openings. 

_“Why are you still staying in his room…?”, it was his great grandmother speaking, she looked worn out, her hair was falling out and her skin was paler than usual._

_“I have to take care of him, I don’t know what you did to him to make him this sick but I have to make sure he’ll get back on his feet,” he carefully wiped the sweat of Itsuki’s forehead, it seemed like a fever had robbed him of all of his senses._

_She laughed, but tears streamed down her face, “What in the world is wrong with you? Do you really think we would poison him? I just want him gone. You should have never brought this demon into my house -” When their eyes met she fell quiet._

_“I don’t care what you think about him all that matter is that I -”, a shivering hand touched his and he grasped it firmly._

“... you really didn’t see anything but a teacher in him, did you?”, the soft rattling was enough of an answer to him. But so was he heartache he felt. 

The next door he opened was the way out of the room, he turned to the locked door and sighed. He wanted to know whatever was hiding behind it, he really did… 

… and before he could move on, the locked door sprang open. His curiosity got the best of him and Souta rushed over to open it completely, ignoring that the furniture above his head began go shake, vases dropping and breaking only inches away from him. 

_“Do you know where he is?”, there was an anger in his voice that painted a bright smile on Yoshiu’s face._

_“I don’t know what you mean, father,” he heard his fists crash against the table but he could rest assured that his father wouldn't do him any harm. He didn’t have the guts to._

_He stared at his hands and bit his lip, “You know exactly what I mean… you were the one who brought him to the train station and now he’s gone -”_

_“He’s exactly there where he’s supposed to be.”_

Where he was supposed to be… what in world… 

The sound of glass shattering next to him made Souta flinch, the furniture began to drop from the floor as the room suddenly moved, shifting into another position. One door after the other vanished, leaving Souta with no other choice but to run and hope for the best.


	27. Everything put in place

Once again he found himself in an unfamiliar surrounding. Boxes were stacked on each other, towering over him. TVs and radios were playing, but it was nothing but static, it was quiet, so quiet that it was unbearably loud. 

_“I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT ALL OF HIS OTHER AFFAIRS BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO BRING THAT ONE ONE? WHY THAT ONE? DO YOU KNOW HOW HE LOOKED AT ME? HE LOOKED AT ME RESENTFULLY AS IF I AM SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO BE PITIED!”_

This voice… it was the same voice he heard on the telephone earlier. 

Souta looked around, it was one of the radios, it began to play the line on repeat. He carefully switched the channel to something else. 

_“You know it wouldn’t have been so bad… if I didn’t know that… your father loved him, he never looked at me with love and I thought he wasn’t capable of feeling it. It was comforting to know. Every relationship he had just boiled down to sex and lust… he’s a middle aged man now, one that left me to rot… I’m used up now, I am no longer beautiful… and now that I am nothing but a shadow of myself he found love in someone else.”_

There it was again, the sound of water splashing, his grandfather screaming. Even though he tried to turn the radio off the couldn’t, all the could do was to switch to a station that only played her soft sobbing. 

“Hey… don’t worry, I don’t blame you for any of this,” the soft shaking coming from the box felt as if the bones were crying, knowing that Itsuki blamed himself for the pain she had felt broke his heart, “You know… you probably didn’t feel anything for him because he -” 

One of the TVs turned on, it played the scene of Itsuki waking up in his little hell for the first time. Only now Souta realised that they had been trapped in a room that was only four by four square meters large. 

There was no sound as the clips were sped up, but just seeing him cry and beg was enough to make him feel sick. No matter what they did to him it didn’t hurt, but seeing Itsuki, Itsuki the living and breathing person, slowly decay and die right in front of his eyes was enough to drive him to the edge of sanity. 

“WHY DID YOU DO THIS? WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR PROBLEM?” 

The bones startled to rattle as if they were afraid of something. But there was nothing… 

Only a lonely TV that stood isolated from all the boxes, radios and other TVs. It was turned off, so Souta had to walk through the labyrinth of boxes and turn it on himself, he didn’t want to, but he knew exactly what they were trying to accomplish. 

He carefully pushed the on button and pressed the box tightly against his chest, as if he expected them to grab it the moment he didn’t pay attention. 

_“Your father doesn’t feel well,” a young girl stood in the doorframe of Yoshiu’s office, her gaze was lowered and her body was trembling, “He wishes to speak to you.”_

_“... why should I?”, he scoffed and stood up, “I don’t care what the old man wants and you’re not in a position to talk to me like that.”_

_Before she could utter an apology he grabbed her by the wrist and face, forcing her to look at him, “Are you getting sentimental because kind to you? He doesn’t even know you’re his grandchild. You’re a fucking bastard at best, I didn’t fuck your mother to get her pregnant, all I did was proof my point to _someone_.” His fingers dug deeper into her cheek, but she didn’t dare to cry, “You’re a worthless little bitch and you should be happy that I took you in after the whore you call your mother died, now go back to work, Minako.” _

_“Y-Yes, I-I am s-sorry, S-Sir.”_

He stared at the TV in disbelief. Minako, was his blood relative…? What in the world was even happening anymore? The bones were shaking violently at this point and Souta could barely hide his anger. 

_“Do you want to play with my ball too, Maru?”, the child was a carbon copy of Chika and Souta, he smiled and held his ball up into thin air, “It was a present from my big sister!”_

_“... I told you you shouldn’t call me this…”, Minako kneeled down in front of the little boy and took his hands, “I’m not your big sister, I’m only a servant.” There was a pained expression on her face, she didn’t want to lie to her little brother but she knew that she had to._

_Tears started dwelling up in his little eyes and he started crying before he tightly hugged the older girl, “But I love Minako nee-chan.”_

_“I love you too… like my own flesh and blood…”, she gently kissed her little brother’s forehead and put his ball back into his hands, “Go and play with Maru a little more, okay?”_

_The sudden noise of angry footsteps made Minako grab the child and hold him protectively in her arms._

_“Play with **who**?”_

Souta turned his head away again, but he couldn’t cover his ears, he heard Minako scream in pain while his father cried, begging his own father not to hurt her. He couldn’t hold back the tears that began to stream down his face, dripping down into the box and he could have sworn that the bones were crying too. 

_“You lived longer than I expected you to,” Yoshiu stared at his father who was breathing heavily, “It’s sad to see you like this, my dearest papa.” It felt disgusting to call him that._

_His body was too weak to even look at his son, instead he breathed easily, awaiting a painless death._

_“You know…”, he bend down and smiled, “Mama should have lived as long as you did, you should have died the moment your beloved Itsuki vanished from the face of earth.”_

_“I-It.. Itsu…”_

_“God, you’re already rotting and you still call for him, you know how they call the thing you feel in modern psychology? You don’t love him. You are obsessed,” it was more than just satisfying to see the old man doubt himself in the last minutes of his life, “You were obsessed with the idea that you would lead the same life as him, I must admit, it was admirable how open he was about his desires, unlike you.”_

_“... what… do you mean… was?”_

_“Ah, so now you’re finally paying attention to me,” he rolled his eyes and then he gave his father a one last, sweet smile, “Did you know that people can get so depressed that they die shortly afterwards? In his case it took 4 years but in the end I broke him. Constant isolation can work wonders on a fragile mind.”_

“It’s enough already -”, was he trying to do him a favour by showing him all of this? He wasn’t going to thank him for the clarification, these weren’t even excuses, “What are you even trying to accomplish?” 

_“I hope you know that our entire family is involved in this,” their grandfather walked up and down the garden, his eyes fixed on Chika who stood nearby the pond that quietly hummed next to the chashitsu._

_“You can’t blame us for something **you** did years ago, but I can end this -”_

_The young man stopped in his tracks when his grandfather gazed over to the room his little brother was sleeping in, “You love that child, don’t you? He’s the one you’re the closest too. Of course you are, he looks just like you… and like your father. The police would take their time to come here, if they would even do so…”_

_“Don’t you dare -”, Chika backed away as the old man slowly walked towards him._

_“Why not? Your precious little brother is just as much at fault as I am. We’re all of the same blood, so if you want me to be punished, then he deserves it just as much I do.”_

_“Don’t you dare and fucking -”, he slowly turned his head back after he heard a gurgling sound coming out of the pond, a pair of hands stretched out towards him and grabbed him by the ankles, “Leave Souta alone, if you lay a finger on him I -”_

_It was an odd spectacle, something seemed to have pulled on his grandson’s legs, he fell over and was slowly dragged into the pond. The shock that ran through his body made it impossible for him to fight back._

_And once again, Yoshiu only watched the spectacle unfold right in front of him._

There was a woman, a woman in the pond… it was the thing that lured him towards it earlier. The thing that had already taken his brother’s life. 

Souta slowly sunk to his knees and stared on the ground. It felt like an endless circle of events, one he might never be able to escape from. 

_So, after all you have seen… know that you know everything, are you sure that you want to go on, Souta?_


	28. In a moonlit night

“... of course I do,” Souta stood up, feeling his legs shake and his heart race, “You gave me even more of a reason to fix this mess.” Maybe it was bold of him to just take of and run towards the wall of darkness before him, but unlike the other parts of this nightmare there was no clear exit. 

Souta closed his eyes before the impact, even if it meant his bones would break, even if it meant he’d lose his life, he would keep his promise. Not just for Itsuki’s sake, but also Chika’s and his own. Now that he felt more alive than ever, it seemed like he was doomed to die. How unfair.

He stumbled and fell, he looked around and found himself inside of his grandfather’s office again. When he glanced out of the window he saw that an entire day had passed, maybe more…? 

It was dark outside… that meant… staring at the ceiling was a huge mistake, countless eyes stared back at him. Once they spotted the box in his arms the house started shaking, the walls were alive and felt every bit of anger the id projected onto them. 

But Souta was still in advantage, its body hadn’t fully formed just yet so he still had a chance to flee. The door fell close in front of him but he feared neither God nor the devil, he just wanted to finally leave this placed behind for good forever. 

His shoulder cracked but at least the door opened and Souta stumbled into the hallway, he looked around and cursed under his breath, “You’re really creative… really…” Even this fucking house was a maze now. 

He had no chance nor the time to think, all he could do do was run. 

_Why are you even trying Souta?_ **Do you really think you’ll get out of here** _**GIVE HIM BACK SOUTA GIVE HIM BACK HE IS MINE**_

“You’re never going to give up, won’t you?”, well maybe it was really just in their blood. Being stubborn little assholes was the family legacy of the Washuu. 

_Neither will you._

And that’s where they really weren’t wrong, but the longer he ran, the harder it got to move. Not only did he feel lost, his legs started burning and his body was working against him. He was tired, worn out. All the time he had spent in their reality had drained him of his energy, they were closing in on him and he could barely run fast enough to escape. 

Still he tried, even though it felt like everything was the same in this numbing darkness, that didn’t seem to let him go. Every wall moved and the floor disappeared right in front of him and while he knew it only were illusions, his tired body fell for the trap. 

**Got you.**

It was a disgusting sound, one that he had always hated. The sound of bones snapping in two. It was a clean break, his left leg was bleeding and the numbing pain moved up to his thigh. 

Desperately he held the box tighter in his arms, “I’m sorry, Itsuki… I am so sorry…” 

How unfair it was, the bitter irony of having to die when being alive had started to make sense again, he had to die when he finally found a purpose for his existence. Even though he had made peace with his fate he tried to crawl away, which only made them increase the pressure on Souta’s broken leg. 

_Let him go._

“ITSUKI WHAT ARE YOU DOING I TOLD YOU YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I AM OUT OF HERE -”, what was he even doing? Souta felt the grip on his leg loosen, but now he wished for it to return, if that only meant that Itsuki was safe. 

_**ITSUKI YOU’RE HERE YOU HERE**_

_Souta run, GO -_

Sacrifices had to be made, right? There was no win without loss on both sides, the sudden distraction had weakened its focus on the maze, it slowly crumbled and fell apart, just enough for Souta relocate and find his way out of the mansion. Without turning back he started running, cursing himself for his own weakness, for his failure. 

Numbing pain ran through his leg, but he had to endure it, yes… there was no turning back anymore. He bit his lip until it bled, if he made a single sound Itsuki’s sacrifice would be in vain. Instead he had to keep on running. Yes, he had to keep on running. 

Slowly the pain robbed him off his senses and he could neither control his breathing nor his voice, he started groaning in pain, blood dripped down his face as he watched a shadow pierce through his stomach. 

Was it an illusion or was it real? Who knew, he just kept on walking, tripping, whatever it was, holding the box of bones tightly in his shivering arms. 

Souta felt wet grass touch his feet, he stumbled towards the road that led down to the village. His mind was blank. Memories mixed with fantasies, mixed with fears. His arm hurt, they had pulled on it, their screams were still ringing in his ears. Did he make it? He wasn’t sure. This was the limit. The end.


	29. Where the wildflowers bloom

Breathing was easy now, his hands were folded on his chest while the warm sunshine kissed his skin. If things would always stay this way he would be happy. 

“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… it really is,” Souta sat up and looked at his big brother, “I missed you, you know?” 

He laughed and ruffled the younger one’s hair, “And I missed you too. It got pretty lonely here you know. I couldn’t let go… even though he promised me to take care of you.”

The flowers were so beautiful, he wasn’t even sure he if he had ever seen such a variety, Souta starte picking a few and braided them into a crown, “Who promised it?” 

“Itsuki did, I met him after I died… I felt so guilty I had to apologise… we talked and talked… I told him everything I found out and he was grateful, he said he owes me something and all I could say was, please take care of my siblings,” Chika started laughing and looked at the small butterfly that landed on his finger, “He couldn’t even leave that damned place and he said he’d do that for me.” 

“But he did keep his promise and so did you,” Souta carefully placed the crown on Chika’s head, “Can you move on now?” 

“... maybe I’m selfish, but I don’t want to go just yet. Who knows when I’ll ever see you again?” 

What was he talking about? “Chika, I’ll come with you.” 

He laughed while gently shaking his head, “Souta, I can go because I served my purpose, but there are still people who are waiting for you, don’t let them down.” 

They turned their heads to the hillside on their left, he was right, he could hear their voices echo from the mountain tops down the valley in which they sat. They talked to him every day, begged him to return home and he knew that he had to.

“I hope you know that I’m going to miss you even more now,” he sniffled and hugged his big brother. 

“I know… but you’ll see me again one day.”


	30. To a new beginning

“... h-he opened his eyes! Get a doctor!” 

God, did they have to be so loud…? “Rize… please… put my arm down…” His shoulder was still in pain and his sister didn’t help but hugging him so tightly, “Rize please -” Didn’t he just barely escape death? Now it felt like it was the kinder option. 

He watched a young man in a long white coat walk in, he had black and white hair, lightly tanned skin and a baby face. Was this really his doctor? “Miss Washuu, I understand your enthusiasm but you have to treat your brother with more care now,” the doctor smiled at Souta and checked his file, “How do you feel?”

“Like death,” which he would rather be right now, considering that every bone and muscle in his body hurt, but even more than that did the pinch hurt that Rize planet in his side for being rude, “I AM SORRY I AM SORRY - … I’m still in pain but… I guess I’m okay?” 

“I’m glad to hear that we will postpone most of the tests till tomorrow, you should get some more rest today and spend some time with your family, but please don’t strain him too much,” he put the file back and left the room again. 

“Kishou you can stop staring n-”, he tried to flinch as much as possible as he saw Rize’s fingers getting ready to pinch him again, “I’m sorry… how long… have I been in a coma?”

“3 months,” she lowered her hand, after a while she took Souta’s hand again and squeezed it tightly, “Your phone call got everyone worried, but when he arrived at the mansion you were nowhere to be found… but then you suddenly appeared out of the blue at nightfall with a box of bones in your arms, muttering something… about having to go back, because _he_ is still in there.”

Thinking about it now when he climbed out of the window it did feel as if reality was altered. That would also explain how they could lure him into their realm and leave such a long lasting damage on his body. 

“What happened, Souta?”, Kishou sat down on the edge of his bed, he had a worried look on his face, but more than that he seemed to be curious, “Where did you find that box and… what in the world happened to leave countless bones in your body broken and fractured.” 

Would they believe him the story he had to tell? Probably not, he wouldn’t even believe it himself if it weren’t for the battle scars he wore now, “I don’t remember it…” 

“Oh stop lying,” it caught him by surprise that Rize used such a harsh tone on him, “Souta, we found Chika’s diaries and… the room in the cellar and your notes. We also talked to Shinohara-san. What were you trying to accomplish, all by yourself?” 

He sighed and rose his head, a soft smile formed on his lips as he looked at his big brother and his little sister, “It’s a long story and I will tell you all about in due time… but not now. You see, I’m really tired… and…” Maybe he would never be able to talk about it all, about the things he had seen. 

His siblings exchanged worried looks and made a silent agreement. 

“That’s fair,” she sighed and patted his hand. “Okay but one more question -”, and it was hard to restrict herself to just one, “Where does that necklace come from?” 

“...”, Souta looked down at it and smiled tired, “It’s a proof for a promise I made… someone very dear to me gave it to me…”


	31. By the sea

_2 years later_

“I can’t believe we actually made it here in time for the opening show!”, a young woman grabbed her friend by the arm and guided her alongside the paintings, “You need to follow them this way to understand the narrative… it’s a bit confusing at first.” 

“There are … how many narrators? Wait… one… two... five?!”, her eyes grew wide and she stopped in front of the painting of a telephone in a bathtub filled with swamp water, “It almost looks like as if the water will flow out of the canvas at any given moment.” 

“It’s really amazing isn’t it? I wasn’t aware of the fact that he is such a skilled painter.” 

“Don’t let all that praise get to your head,” Eto pinched Souta who seemed to be lost in thought, “Why are so gloomy? Everyone loves your new works.” 

He groaned and glared at her, “Did your wife teach you that? I’m not gloomy… I was just thinking about something, that’s all.” 

“You can’t blame everything on _me_ ,” but the smile on Rize’s face was enough of an answer for him, she took her wife’s hand and looked at her brother, “Souta, I know it’s hard but you should try to enjoy this day. I am sure he’d be happy to know you’re coping so well.”

“I don’t know if you can call it coping, all I did was make sure that the world would hear his story,” it really wasn’t the time to be sad right now, right?

“And you did succeed with that Souta,” Kishou joined them, with his boyfriend by his side who eagerly stuffed the taller man’s face with food, “Chika would be proud of you too.” He could barely speak with his puffy cheeks and so he gave up after a while.

Souta only laughed and gestured to Rize and Eto that they should eat something too. They had been guarding him from noisy fans and admirers the whole day, they must have been hungry by now. 

When his family finally gave him the space he wanted, he scanned the crowd for familiar faces. Minako was talking to his father, after the police had picked up the investigation in the cases of Chika, and Itsuki again, she also revealed her side of the story to her younger brother. 

Nobody could give them back the time they lost, but it seemed like they didn’t really care about that now. 

But his aunt wasn’t the only person that had travelled all the way to Tokyo for the exhibition. “Detective Shinohara! I’m glad that you made it here,” now he could finally say that he was happy to see him, the older man smiled at Souta and rose his glass in his honour. 

“It’s good to see that you recovered so well,” his gaze wandered through the room, there weren’t many familiar faces but he was glad to see the few he knew smiling brightly, “I suppose you’re not going to visit us again anytime soon?”

“No… sorry, I think I have had enough of that town…”, not that he wanted to offend anyone, but he didn’t like the celebrity status he had gained there for solving such an old abduction case. Looking around, he also had to come to terms with the fact that the memories of what happened were still too fresh, he didn’t want to confront the root of his trauma again just yet. 

“No no, I understand you,” it felt like the mood changed within the blink of an eye, “Seeing these paintings I really understand why. You managed to tell this story… _his_ story from every possible perspective.” 

“I’m glad you think so… If you excuse me, I…” There wasn’t even a good excuse for him leaving his guests standing in the rain. Even though he dedicated this exhibition to Itsuki, it hurt to think about him again, during his time in rehab he thought about him at every given moment. When the policemen interviewed him to finally close the case, when Itsuki’s remaining family visited him, telling him stories about the brother, cousin and uncle they missed even though they only spent a short amount of time together.

No matter how happy everyone seemed to be that they finally got closure, it felt as if it all had left a huge scar on Souta’s soul, a wound that would never heal. There was no victory without a loss. On both sides. Sacrifices had to be made, but the aftermath was something immeasurable. 

Souta wandered through the mass of people that filled the gallery, everything they said turned into humming that made no sense to him, his heart felt heavy when he finally reached his destination. The largest painting in the exhibition, a portrait that was dedicated to protagonist of this story. The one that never saw the end to it all. 

He played with the pendant of his necklace and gazed at the painting, it had been years since he had last seen him, there were no pictures left he could have used as reference. Souta didn’t have the heart to ask Itsuki’s family members for one, no, they had treasured them all this time and they had every right to keep them. 

Afterall it was all they had, when he tried to return Kasumi’s necklace to her, the old woman had only smiled at him, saying that she was sure that there was a good reason for him having it now. 

Lost in thought he didn’t notice the sudden commotion, the whispering and the gasps. He was so focused on his painting that he didn’t realise that someone took the place to his left, examining the artwork enthusiastically, “It’s a really great painting if you ask me.” 

Souta froze in spot, his heart started beating so loud he could barely make out any other sound. What in the world was happening? There were things he could never forget, one of them was the sound of _his_ voice, but he still couldn’t believe his ears. 

“But my hair is actually one shade darker than that.” 

This was a joke right? Maybe he was just dreaming and he would wake up at any given moment, but even if so he just wanted to see his face one more time. There was no victory without a loss, if he would vanish the moment their eyes would meet it would be worth it. 

Their eyes met and a bright smile formed on the younger one’s face, he didn’t vanish, instead he pulled Souta into a tight embrace, reassuring him that he would never leave his side ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this fanfiction. It was a passion project that was never supposed to be this long ;; I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Special thanks go to: 
> 
> Neru, thank you for your enthusiasm, support and the theories you shared with me. 
> 
> Beans, thank you for being there from start to finish, your support makes projects like this possible. 
> 
> Lari, I know you hate ghosts, but thank you for listening to me rambling about this project. 
> 
> Moni, I really hope you finally got the chance to read this, thank you for encouraging me and listening to me trying to sort my idea. 
> 
> Emmett, for proofreading and encouraging me.


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